Speaker 1: 0:00

When could video game visitation be good for you and your child? When you're geographically distant, when there's a supervised visitation order in place and maybe you don't have the money to pay a supervisor all the time? The boy was young, about five years old. This child's father was in prison and was going to be in prison for the rest of his life. He already had a plan when he grew up he was going to commit a crime serious enough that he could spend the rest of his life. He already had a plan when he grew up he was going to commit a crime serious enough that he could spend the rest of his life with his father in prison. Was that a practical plan? No. Was it in his best interest? No. But he had mythologized his father as being this incredible person with whom, if he could only have a relationship, his life would be better. You're in a situation in which you can't have in-person visits with your child and you feel like you're losing your connection. We're going to talk about alternatives to the stale old telephone visitation. We're going to talk about video game visitations when it might be appropriate, why it's important and some things to keep in mind as you try to implement video game visitation.

Speaker 1: 1:02

Video game visitation is primarily something that can be extremely helpful for fathers and sons. Sometimes it's easy for dads who aren't in contact with their children to forget that they're dads and just be guys. An example of the importance of understanding that you're a dad and not just a guy can be seen in a prison study that they did in Baltimore where they made it easier and more enjoyable for fathers to have visits with their children in prison itself and also electronically. They found a couple pretty startling things. One is that behavior of those fathers who participated in the program while still incarcerated improved. Another thing they found was that the level of recidivism went down. Recidivism is this idea of getting in trouble again after you get out of the facility. Better behavior while in the facility, better behavior while out of the facility, and they attributed a lot of that to just the understanding that the father was a father and not just a guy. It also helped work on the father's parenting skills while incarcerated so once he got out he had better skills to be a parent to the child. Lots of benefits altogether from having this increased contact between the father and the child. Even a father who was incarcerated, you may have a parent who is long distance. After a while, having that long distance visitation over FaceTime can get just stale and boring, especially for a kid.

Speaker 1: 2:26

One of the best ways to do it is video game visitation. This is something that I myself did with my son when he was younger. We would sit together and play video games and sometimes that was the best conversation that we would have. It helped me sort of be focused on him. It helped him be focused on me. We would play Minecraft and we'd sit right next to each other and my son would direct me to go down into the mine and get whatever specific thing he wanted. He wanted diamond or he wanted gold or whatever it was for whatever he was going to make, and he would be up on the surface and he'd be constructing things with what I mined and brought back up to him. One of the neat things was I knew almost nothing about the video game. I had to learn how to do it and I was not very good at it. Anyway, he could do everything way better Because he was so much better at the game he was able to be in control. It completely changed the parent-child dynamic. While we were playing the game, he knew more. He was in control. He directed what was happening.

Speaker 1: 3:21

When you have a child in that circumstance where they feel like they're in control and when they're sort of in their zone of playing their game, they're eventually going to start opening up more. It starts becoming less about having a conversation and just talking. Moms experience this a lot with kids too, especially on rides home. So this is a great area for dads to increase their communication with their child, even if there's not some sort of issue that requires visitation. So when could, potentially, video game visitation be good for you and your child? When you're geographically distant, when there's a supervised visitation order in place and maybe you don't have the money to pay a supervisor all the time? Why is it important to maintain that parent-child relationship? To help the dad remember that he's a dad and not just a guy, to help the child remember what that relationship is like with the parent and not to mythologize a parent who maybe has some difficulties. You allow the child to experience that parent in a safe way so that they get some benefit from it, but they also maybe understand yeah, I don't want to be with dad all the time In this case just talking about dads, so let's talk about the how.

Speaker 1: 4:29

How can we do video game visitation? First, you want to pick a game that's appropriate, something like Minecraft or Roblox. For an older child, you might even do something like a Call of Duty with the dad. It has to be something that is developmentally appropriate, that will engage the child, preferably something where the child is better at it than the dad, so that the child can feel in control. Next, if you have a situation in which supervision is required, not because of physical safety but because of maybe the parent is going to say something inappropriate to the child it's important to make sure that, if you're going to have a visitation supervisor, that they are in the game itself. You can do this, and the younger the child is, the less they're even going to know. So you can have a child who's eight or nine years old, you can have them having this video game visitation with the parent and you could have a supervisor on there, and the child has zero idea that that other person who's in the game is the visitation supervisor. It's important to have a dad and the child have the ability to hear each other and talk to each other. That's critical to this working out well. Costs can be a factor. Hopefully there's already the video game systems in place. If not, you're going to have to get them.

Speaker 1: 5:44

Another concern that custodial parents have in setting up this kind of video game visitation is that it might just be any time. You never quite know when the parent's going to get on, so it has to be put into an order. These are the visitation times, especially if it's a more supervised structure that you already have in place. When you're transitioning to the video game visitation, it's important that you have set times that everybody respects. The custodial parent has the right to ensure that the child is safe and that the order is being complied with.

Speaker 1: 6:06

One concern I hear about this kind of visitation is that the dad might get upset if he's not doing well at the game or if the kid beats him at the game. Yeah, maybe that's why it's important, if it's that kind of case, to have a visitation supervisor who can intercede, who can shut down the visitation if need be. It also gives an opportunity for the visitation supervisor to see how it's going, to see how the dad reacts, to see if the dad is going to be willing to submit to the child's authority within the game, if a parent is willing to do that and able to do that, then that bodes well for their ability to conform themselves to something that's helpful in real in-person visitation. The bottom line is that maintaining parent-child contact is extremely important for both the child and the father. It helps the child feel loved, like the parent wants to be with them, wants to see them, that they're not abandoned. That's really important to a kid and to their self-esteem, and it's important for the parent the dad in this case to remember that they're a parent and not just a guy. A dad is different than just a guy. We have different sentiments. We have different priorities. Being a dad is a thing. It changes a man. So helping a man remember that he's a dad will help him be more present and better focused on doing the things that he needs to do for his children.

Speaker 1: 7:24

One of the complaints that I get from mothers who are having video visitation is that very often kids love to do show and tell, so if a kid is on a FaceTime call, they're very likely going to be going all through the house showing their parent what's going on. That can be very intrusive, especially if you have a history of domestic violence. That makes this video game visitation a good solution also for you as the custodial parent. It keeps the child locked onto the video game. It allows the parent to have really meaningful contact with the child without invading the privacy of the custodial parent's home.

Speaker 1: 7:58

If you're in a situation in which this seems like it might be a good fit for you, I encourage you to check out some video game visitation.

Speaker 1: 8:05

It's not something that you're going to find online. It's not something that you're going to hear courts talk about, but I think it's something that could and should be a wave of the future. I try to implement it in my cases where it's appropriate. I've had a visitation supervisor participate in video game visitation and I myself understand how powerful being on a video game with your child especially a father and son can be for the development of that relationship. I'll add as a postscript here that my son is now 20 and he's in college and I put myself on video game visitation with him even now. It allows me to catch up with him. It's kind of like that parallel play that men do. We do things side by side together and we wind up having relationships and conversations about it, even with a son who's 20 years old and a dad who's 50, video game visitation can be extremely helpful to maintain the kinds of connection that you want with your kid.