Speaker 0: 0:00

At your house, bedtime is 8.30 pm sharp. At the other house, bedtime is well whenever the video game ends and you're being told that your child is lucky to have the best of both worlds they're a structure and they're fun. But that's a dangerous myth. This massive inconsistency between the two homes is not creating a well-balanced child. It's most likely creating an anxious child who's having to learn how to survive and manipulate in two very different homes. This is a problem for your child and I'm going to show you how to fix it, even if your co-parent isn't willing to change a single thing.

Speaker 0: 0:33

I'm Ron Gore. I'm a family law attorney, parenting coordinator, guardian and alignment mediator, and I've dealt with thousands of parents who have struggled with this same issue. In this video, you're going to get a three-part plan. First, we'll talk about the real psychological effects that this has on your child. Second, I'll give you some words that you can use to try to address this with your co-parent in a healthy way. Third, I'll show you how you can bulletproof your own home if your co-parent won't do anything to work towards the middle.

Speaker 0: 1:01

First, the hidden damage to your child and why it matters. Imagine that at work, your job description changed every week, you'd probably be stressed, constantly trying to figure out what's going on, maybe testing boundaries to see what's going to work and what's not going to work If you have two very different houses with very different rules. That's what's happening in your child's brain every time they're having to switch houses. When your child says, but dad, lets me do it, don't perceive them as being bad kids. Perceive them being like a scientist checking out a hypothesis. They need to figure out what's going to work because they really don't know. It takes a while to figure it out. The inconsistency that they're experiencing between the two homes kind of forces them to experiment what's going to work for them. So how do we help our kids to get this increased security of some consistency between two homes? Well, it starts with a conversation. This first possibility is the ideal solution. Try to think of this as a business meeting that you're having with your co-parent about the most important thing in both of your lives. All right, here's step one, the approach. Reach out to your co-parent and say hey, would it be possible for us to set aside maybe 20 minutes this week to have a conversation about Johnny? I want to make sure that we're on the same page about a few things so that Johnny can feel as consistent and stable as possible. All right, step two your goal.

Speaker 0: 2:16

You were not trying to make your homes identical. That's not the goal. Instead, you're trying to focus on maybe three or four big wins that you can make for your child. Here's some examples of big wins Something like nutrition when homework gets done, bedtimes, screen limits.

Speaker 0: 2:34

Notice that in the language you're not being accusatory, you're using weed language and you focus on the child's benefit Instead of saying something like your house must be a chaotic mess. Say something like I notice that we're experiencing some tantrums on school nights. I think maybe if we can have some consistency between our homes and his bedtimes on school nights, that might help reduce the tantrum. Now, hopefully that kind of approach will work. You're not being aggressive, you're not being accusatory. You're coming at this as a we problem, something that maybe we can both fix together.

Speaker 0: 3:10

But sometimes that kind of thing is just not going to work. Sometimes your co-parent is going to have sort of this my house, my rules, defense. Like that is their fortification that they have built up to protect their view of what they want to do. And a lot of times where the co-parent reaches out to try to make some good mutual changes and they're met with that fortification. They kind of give up. But we're not going to do that. Here's what you can do when you're met with that my house fortification.

Speaker 0: 3:31

Remember, your goal is not to try to control what happens at the other home. Your goal is to try to make your home, as much as possible, a rock of consistency. The first thing to do is see what's happening at your co-parent's home and see if you're okay with matching what they have. If they have some things that you're okay with and it would create some consistency for your child, then go ahead and adopt those things. You don't have to have your co-parent match you. If you can match them without hurting yourself and it will benefit your child, then why not do it? That's easy For things that you can't match at your house.

Speaker 0: 4:05

Here's some things that you can say to your child that might help the situation. Say to your child calmly and without any blame I understand that that's how it works at mom's house and that's okay In our house. This is how we do it so that we can stay healthy and get our work done. The rules at your mom's house and the rules at my house are just different, just like the rules at school are different from the rules at mom's house. It's okay to have different rules at different places.

Speaker 0: 4:31

Using this kind of approach accomplishes three things. First, it validates the child's reality. It acknowledges that things are different at mom's house than at your house. Second, it removes you from a position of criticizing the other parent to your child. You don't have to criticize, you just have to acknowledge that it's different and it's okay that it's different. And then, third, it establishes your authority in your own home and allows your co-parent to have their authority in their own home. No conflict, no putting the child in the middle.

Speaker 0: 5:00

So remember, do your best to try to understand the anxiety that it can cause your child to have vastly different rules in different homes. To the best of your capability, try to align on the big wins. Try to align on the big wins. If your co-parent won't reach across the aisle and work with you, then see what you unilaterally can align with from your co-parent's house. If it doesn't hurt you, why not? And if that fails to the degree that you're not able to fix all the issues that are causing inconsistency and anxiety, then just fall back on having lots of consistency in your home and using the different homes, different rules framework to help your child understand that they don't have to be caught in the middle, that you're not upset, that they're not in trouble. If you found something helpful in this video, please like and share so that someone else can get the help that they need too. Consistency is one of the greatest gifts that you can give your child. You got it. You can do it.