The Myth of "Best of Both Worlds"

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At your house , bedtime is 8.30 pm sharp . At the other house , bedtime is well whenever the video game ends and you're being told that your child is lucky to have the best of both worlds they're a structure and they're fun . But that's a dangerous myth . This massive inconsistency between the two homes is not creating a well-balanced child . It's most likely creating an anxious child who's having to learn how to survive and manipulate in two very different homes . This is a problem for your child and I'm going to show you how to fix it , even if your co-parent isn't willing to change a single thing .

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I'm Ron Gore . I'm a family law attorney , parenting coordinator , guardian and alignment mediator , and I've dealt with thousands of parents who have struggled with this same issue . In this video , you're going to get a three-part plan . First , we'll talk about the real psychological effects that this has on your child . Second , I'll give you some words that you can use to try to address this with your co-parent in a healthy way . Third , I'll show you how you can bulletproof your own home if your co-parent won't do anything to work towards the middle

Hidden Psychological Effects on Children

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First , the hidden damage to your child and why it matters . Imagine that at work , your job description changed every week , you'd probably be stressed , constantly trying to figure out what's going on , maybe testing boundaries to see what's going to work and what's not going to work If you have two very different houses with very different rules . That's what's happening in your child's brain every time they're having to switch houses . When your child says , but dad , lets me do it , don't perceive them as being bad kids . Perceive them being like a scientist checking out a hypothesis . They need to figure out what's going to work because they really don't know . It takes a while to figure it out . The inconsistency that they're experiencing between the two homes kind of forces them to experiment what's going to work for them . So how do we help our kids to get this increased security of some consistency between two homes ? Well ,

Approaching Your Co-Parent Effectively

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it starts with a conversation . This first possibility is the ideal solution . Try to think of this as a business meeting that you're having with your co-parent about the most important thing in both of your lives . All right , here's step one , the approach . Reach out to your co-parent and say hey , would it be possible for us to set aside maybe 20 minutes this week to have a conversation about Johnny ? I want to make sure that we're on the same page about a few things so that Johnny can feel as consistent and stable as possible . All right , step two your goal .

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You were not trying to make your homes identical . That's not the goal . Instead , you're trying to focus on maybe three or four big wins that you can make for your child . Here's some examples of big wins Something like nutrition when homework gets done , bedtimes , screen limits .

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Notice that in the language you're not being accusatory , you're using weed language and you focus on the child's benefit Instead of saying something like your house must be a chaotic mess . Say something like I notice that we're experiencing some tantrums on school nights . I think maybe if we can have some consistency between our homes and his bedtimes on school nights , that might help reduce the tantrum . Now , hopefully that kind of approach will work . You're not being aggressive , you're not being accusatory . You're coming at this as a we problem , something that maybe we can both fix together .

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But sometimes that kind of thing is just not

When Co-Parents Won't Cooperate

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going to work . Sometimes your co-parent is going to have sort of this my house , my rules , defense . Like that is their fortification that they have built up to protect their view of what they want to do . And a lot of times where the co-parent reaches out to try to make some good mutual changes and they're met with that fortification . They kind of give up . But we're not going to do that . Here's what you can do when you're met with that my house fortification .

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Remember , your goal is not to try to control what happens at the other home . Your goal is to try to make your home , as much as possible , a rock of consistency . The first thing to do is see what's happening at your co-parent's home and see if you're okay with matching what they have . If they have some things that you're okay with and it would create some consistency for your child , then go ahead and adopt those things . You don't have to have your co-parent match you . If you can match them without hurting yourself and it will benefit your child , then why not do it ? That's easy For things that you can't match at your house .

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Here's some things that you can say to your child that might help the situation . Say to your child calmly and without any blame I understand that that's how it works at mom's house and that's okay In our house . This is how we do it so that we can stay healthy and get our work done . The rules at your mom's house and the rules at my house are just different , just like the rules at school are different from the rules at mom's house . It's okay to have different rules at different places .

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Using this kind of approach accomplishes three things . First , it validates the child's reality . It acknowledges that things are different at mom's house than at your house . Second , it removes you from a position of criticizing the other parent to your child . You don't have to criticize , you just have to acknowledge that it's different and it's okay that it's different . And then , third , it establishes your authority

Establishing Consistency in Your Home

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in your own home and allows your co-parent to have their authority in their own home . No conflict , no putting the child in the middle .

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So remember , do your best to try to understand the anxiety that it can cause your child to have vastly different rules in different homes . To the best of your capability , try to align on the big wins . Try to align on the big wins . If your co-parent won't reach across the aisle and work with you , then see what you unilaterally can align with from your co-parent's house . If it doesn't hurt you , why not ? And if that fails to the degree that you're not able to fix all the issues that are causing inconsistency and anxiety , then just fall back on having lots of consistency in your home and using the different homes , different rules framework to help your child understand that they don't have to be caught in the middle , that you're not upset , that they're not in trouble . If you found something helpful in this video , please like and share so that someone else can get the help that they need too

Key Takeaways for Better Co-Parenting

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. Consistency is one of the greatest gifts that you can give your child . You got it . You can do it .