Coparent Academy Podcast
Lifechanging Coparenting
Coparent Academy Podcast
#172 - Are You Winning Custody But Losing Your Child?
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Are you winning parenting time but losing your child's heart? Many co-parents fall into the "Scoreboard Mentality"—fighting for what's "fair" instead of what builds a lasting relationship. In this video, we reveal the 3 most common traps (The Schedule Trap, The "It's My Time" Fallacy, and Weaponizing Your Right of First Refusal) that can damage your connection with your kids.
Learn the one simple question to ask yourself—The Tomorrow Test—that can shift your entire co-parenting approach from conflict to connection. Stop playing for the scoreboard and start building a foundation of love and trust that will last a lifetime.
The Hollow Victory Problem
Speaker 1You're winning the battle for the schedule you want . You're winning the battle for your time , but you're losing your relationship with your child . How does that happen ? Why are they quiet in the car ? Why do you feel like you're walking on eggshells ? Why does this victory feel hollow ? Maybe it's because you're making one of the most common and most destructive mistakes that a co-parent can make . Stay with me , because in the next few minutes , I'm going to explain to you how to stop it and how to build a relationship with your child that can really last a lifetime . Hey everybody , welcome back to Co-Parent Academy .
Speaker 1We work with co-parents every day and we run into this mistake constantly . I see parents all the time who have the best of intentions , who love their kids more than anything , and they fall into this same trap . I call it the scoreboard mentality . And they fall into this same trap . I call it the scoreboard mentality . The scoreboard mentality is when you start keeping track of parenting time , overnights , who paid for what ? You start focusing so much on what's fair for you that you start to lose sight of what's best for your child . Your focus becomes winning against your ex instead of winning with your child . I'm going to go through three examples of the scoreboard
Understanding Scoreboard Mentality
Speaker 1mentality . Let me know if any of these feel familiar to you .
Speaker 1First , there's the schedule trap . This is when you fight hard for 50-50 parenting time , but not because it's best for your child , because it's fair to you . If you're being honest with yourself , your job is demanding . You don't really have the flexibility to have 50-50 parenting time in a way that allows you to be present for your child . You definitely won the hours , but you're losing the moments . Your child is not going to remember the percentage parenting time . Your child's going to remember when you were actually there with them , the moments that you spent with them , not the hours . Second , there's the it's my time fallacy . Your child gets invited to a birthday party with someone from your ex's social circle . You're not going to let them go because it's your time . They don't get to go to that party .
Three Co-Parenting Traps
Speaker 1Your child gets invited to a really interesting , wonderful vacation with your ex's extended family . Nope , it's not their parenting time . You're not going to let them go . From their perspective , you're just rigidly enforcing the schedule , doing the same thing that they might do to you . That's not what your child perceives . Let's be honest . This always gets back to your child one way or the other , what your child hears is my other parents' right to have me is more important than my happiness . They're putting themselves above me . They don't really love me . They don't want to be with me . They want to possess me . That's the message that comes across .
Speaker 1Third is the classic weaponizing the right of first refusal . Let's say your child's old enough to see by themselves . Your ex needs to run out for four hours to do something . Maybe they get called into work , maybe they have some chores they need to go run . They offer you the right of first refusal because they have to pursuant to the court order . Your kid doesn't want to uproot necessarily and come see you for those four hours . They have the chance to be home alone in a way that's safe , playing on their Xbox . Every teenage kid wants that . They want to be left alone , not having to deal with a parent playing their game . But you don't let them do that . You rigidly enforce their right of first refusal . You demand that you be given the child . It's not because you love them or to spend time with them or thinking about their best interests . More often than not it's a power play . It's you imposing your time on the other parent's time . Before you invoke that right of first refusal , you have to ask yourself am I doing this because I care most about my child and it's what's best for them , or am I just really executing a power play here ? Think about it . So the question is how do we fix this ?
The Tomorrow Test Solution
Speaker 1First , you got to throw out the scoreboard . Instead , replace it with what I call the tomorrow test .
Speaker 1The tomorrow test is a really simple question that you ask yourself before you make any of these co-parenting decisions . Here's the question In a week , a year or 10 years from now , will here's the question In a week , a year or 10 years from now , will this decision have strengthened my relationship with my child or weakened it ? That's it . That's the whole question . It's not the question of is this fair to me ? Is this precisely what's in the parenting plan ? The question is is this something that's going to strengthen my relationship with my child ?
Speaker 1So let's put the tomorrow test together with the three traps that we just talked about . First , is the schedule trap ? Ask yourself is my child going to have fonder memories of a stressed out , barely present parent with 50-50 parenting time , but a more relaxed , more involved , more present parent who had 30 or 40% parenting time ? If you really think about it , the answer probably is going to be a little bit obvious . Now the my time fallacy Applying the tomorrow test . In 10 years , is my child going to remember fondly that I stuck precisely to the schedule
Building Foundations, Not Winning Games
Speaker 1or is my child going to remember that I allowed them to go have this amazing adventure even though I was going to miss them during what was otherwise going to be the parenting time I shared with my child ? Again , pretty obvious . If it's going to be a fond memory , much more likely that they're remembering that they got to share that experience , that you were generous enough to allow that to happen . Now the third trap weaponization on the right of first refusal of just a few hours . Or will our relationship be stronger if I show some grace and some trust and allow them to be comfortable and stay where they are ?
Speaker 1This tomorrow test applies in all sorts of situations not just fights with your ex , not just parenting time , but also discipline . The scoreboard parent says I brought you into this world , I can take you out of it . They're focused more on control and punishment rather than growth and discipline . It's about short-term power , dominance and controlling through fear . The tomorrow test parent considers it this way . I brought you into this world , so it's my obligation to make this the brightest , most loving , most fruitful world for you that I possibly can . It's about teaching , connecting and forming long-term trust . Instead of an environment of fear , it creates an environment of safety and connection .
Speaker 1Which parent do you think a 25-year-old adult child wants to spend time with ? Is it the one who fell into the three traps ? Is it the one who won all the battles against their co-parent ? Is it the one who asserted dominance in their household ? Is it the one who won all the battles against their co-parent ? Is it the one who asserted dominance in their household ? Or is it the one who passed the tomorrow test , who acted with grace and empathy , who showed more concern about their child than what's fair for them ?
Speaker 1Being a co-parent is hard . You're driven by fierce protective love and this constant fear of loss , but , paradoxically , the actions that you take , if you're going to be a scoreboard parent , can lead to the very results that you're afraid of . Your kid's childhood is not a game to be won . It's a foundation to be built . Stop playing to win the scoreboard . Start parenting for the connection .
Speaker 1I'm going to challenge you this week . Find an opportunity to turn your back on the scoreboard and instead pass the tomorrow test . Respond with grace and generosity . Don't think about what's fair to you . Think about what's best for building a long-term loving foundation with your child . If you'd like , I'd encourage
Challenge and Call to Action
Speaker 1you to leave a comment below . Tell me what is a tomorrow test that you pass this week ? What's the scoreboard opportunity that you turned your back on in favor of a stronger foundation with your child for the future ? If this video opens your eyes , please like and share so that other people can have the same experience . Come back and see us for more co-parenting strategies and ways to connect with your child for a better future . You're not just raising a child . You're raising a future adult , and that adult's going to remember how you made them feel growing up . Make them feel loved . You've got this .