Speaker 1: 0:00

Unnecessary co-parent communication is one of the biggest co-parenting issues that we run into. So today we're going to talk about what necessary co-parent communication is, what it isn't, and how you can focus on just what's necessary. I'm Ron Gore. I'm a family law attorney who serves as a mediator regarding the ad litem and a parenting coordinator. I provide co-parenting education to co-parents and to other attorneys At Co-Parent Academy. We have seven keys to better co-parent communication. Today we're going to talk about just one of them. Our keys to better communication are to make sure the true communication is necessary, clear, complete, concise, correct, timely and courteous. The simplest way to think of necessary co-parent communication is to focus on what's in your parenting order. If you have a joint custody plan or some other order that details what each parent's respective responsibilities are, then that order is going to provide you a pretty good roadmap for what is necessary communication, the things that you have to talk about, the things that you don't need to talk about. If you stick with those ordered communications and you don't add anything else, then you're probably going to be okay in terms of providing necessary communication for the most part. Let me give you an example. So maybe a communication that says you know. You have to let the other co-parent know which week of vacation you're going to pick in the summer no later than April 15th, right? You have that deadline to tell them the week that you're choosing or you don't get your preferred week for the summer. That is a clearly defined, necessary communication pursuant to the order. Easy peasy. But co-parenting orders can't think of everything, right? If these orders included every possible communication they had to have, they'd be endless, and so they don't. That leaves a lot of discretion when it comes to other communications. So, if you want to do it right, the way to think about it is the journalistic questions who, what, when, where, why and how. If you are dealing with sort of a day-to-day issue related to your child, something that is, you know, related to extracurricular activities or daycare, new medication, something like that, then typically it's going to be more in the lines of everything but the why. It's going to be the who, what, when, where and how. Now, if you are dealing with a decision that has to be made a big picture, co-parenting decision. So, for example, is our child going to go to a new school? Are they going to have a different daycare provider? Which extracurricular are they going to do next fall. You know those kinds of questions that have reasons, that have rationales behind them. You know, I went this daycare as opposed to that one because of X, y and Z, or I think our child should be on my health insurance instead of yours because when I look at a breakdown of the premium compared to the coverage, this is a better overall package for less price. That is inherently a why conversation. For less price, right? That is inherently a why conversation. It's not strictly who, what, when, where and how conversation. So that's a rule of thumb as well. If it's a big picture decision that has various reasons underlying your position, then add that journalistic why If it doesn't leave it out.

Speaker 1: 3:24

Now a lot of people confuse their communications as being necessary when they're only helpful. So here's what the difference is If something is necessary, then usually it doesn't involve editorialization. It doesn't involve your opinion about the other parent, past or present. It doesn't involve you bringing up allegations of incidents in the past. It doesn't involve, typically, you bringing up any sort of theories on the other parent's personality or their personal failings or their relationship with God. So there's lots of things that are not necessary and not helpful, but a lot of the co-parenting conflict comes in because people perceive the things that they want to say as things that need to be said, and I think we all know those kinds of people who feel like they have an opinion about everything and they feel like their way is the right way. So this part of the conversation comes down to both sides. So if you're the person who is adding in information that isn't necessary but you think it's helpful, and if you're the person who's receiving the information that you don't think is helpful or necessary, so what do you do? All right, let's start with the people who are receiving the additional information first.

Speaker 1: 4:48

It's possible that this additional information that you're receiving is not coming from some sort of inherently negative space. I mean you don't appreciate receiving the extra information, but I wouldn't necessarily assume that your co-parent is doing it intentionally to try to be a jerk to you. I mean they may be, don't get me wrong. I mean I get it. There's lots of co-parents out there who are abusive and spiteful and hateful human beings and they're going to be the same way in the co-parenting relationship.

Speaker 1: 5:16

But sometimes, especially early on in a co-parenting relationship and especially with younger children, there may just be a sense of anxiety there. I mean most people organize their lives. Most couples organize their lives in a way that makes sense. You know, one person may be the primary breadwinner. They may have long hours. The other parent may have been more stay at home, may have not had a job outside the house or may have had a part-time job and so they inherently were taking on more of the day-to-day tasks involving the child. If you've done that for some period of time, especially if the child's younger and can't really advocate for their own needs, then it's going to make that parent anxious that the needs aren't going to be met, especially if they have some history of seeing that the needs aren't going to be met, especially if they have some history of seeing that the needs weren't met before. It's understandable gatekeeping that they're engaging in.

Speaker 1: 6:15

A lot of times people get stuck in the inertia of the past relationship. It may be the case that the parent who was working more outside of the home and bringing in more of the income, didn't really engage in a lot of the parenting stuff when they were together with you in a relationship. But now that they're on their own they may actually dig into it. They may want to have done more of that and they felt shut out of contributing because you didn't like the way that they did it. So just because they didn't do those things in the past doesn't mean they won't do them in the future.

Speaker 1: 6:49

But if you're the parent who didn't have those kinds of primary responsibilities, you should have a little humility. You should understand that you're probably not going to have thought of everything that you haven't gone through the trial and error that the other co-parent has gone through in the past because they had that primary responsibility. So don't assume that it's malicious that they're trying to remind you to say, for example, put on sunscreen. Or they're trying to remind you that you know your daughter likes to have this certain dress on Wednesdays, or you know she likes this shampoo that you don't have at your house.

Speaker 1: 7:27

If there is a bit of anxiety based on how co-parenting has gone in the past and if you can give any sort of grace to that as a reason for the extra unnecessary communication, as a reason for the extra unnecessary communication, then the best way that you can deal with that is just to say thank you. Hey, thanks for that reminder. I understand, I appreciate it. You don't have to take it as a zero-sum game. You don't have to take it as if you thank them for the reminder, that you're admitting that you wouldn't have remembered.

Speaker 1: 8:01

The two things don't equate. If you're concerned that graciously thanking your co-parent for some unnecessary but potentially helpful communication is going to be perceived negatively by the court against you, if you think the court's going to for some reason infer that you didn't actually know just because you thanked them for the information, I wouldn't worry about that. The two things don't logically go together. I think. More likely the court's going to say you know, this was some unnecessary communication that could have been taken the wrong way, but the recipient co-parent actually took it in good stride, you know, just thanked the co-parent and moved on. If you can combine that with actually following through on the kinds of things that your co-parent is anxiously communicating with you about, then you see we're going to be more in your column and you know, if the co-parent continues to remind you of these things for a long, long time and it gets repetitive, then you can politely say hey, thank you, I appreciate those early reminders, but I've really got it. Don't worry, you know you don't need to communicate with me about this anymore. I've got it under control, but I thank you for reminding me early on Now.

Speaker 1: 9:04

If the unnecessary communications that you're receiving are not even close to being ascribable to some good faith anxiety on the part of the other co-parent, if it's just sniping and retribution and name calling and bringing in the past and all that stuff that's totally unhelpful, then the best way to deal with it is to just ignore it. I've got I've had clients who were worried that if they didn't answer every accusation or recrimination or snipe, then they were essentially acknowledging it, that it was true. I don't think that's the case, but for those people, if you're one of them who is worried about letting allegations go unanswered, one thing that I've done in the past with folks is just to say hey, I'm just letting you know going forward, I'm not going to be responding to anything that is unnecessary. I'm not going to be responding to allegations about past conduct or anything like that. So don't take it as an admission for any message you send me in the future. I'm just simply not responding. I don't see any problem with that as a communication.

Speaker 1: 10:17

And then when they send you a message that has maybe two or three things that you need to respond to and maybe three or four things that are just junk, meant to stir up trouble. You just respond to the things that you need to respond to. You don't make any reference whatsoever to the unnecessary stuff. Also, something that I find is helpful is if you just get a blast out of nowhere that has zero content that is necessary that you need to respond to, I just don't respond. If it's just a statement or an accusation, with no question, there's no follow-up required. Unless you were just going to defend yourself, then I don't respond at all. There's nothing for me to respond to and I think you can do that too. That is a helpful way to just ignore the negative things that they're saying. Eventually they're going to get tired of it probably. If not, they're just going to be providing you with a steady stream of evidence used against them. Later, when you're going to show that they can't co-parent For the co-parent who's sending these unnecessary communications, then I suggest you reflect a little bit about why you're doing it.

Speaker 1: 11:32

If you're one of those people who really is just sending some well-intentioned but unnecessary communications that are driven by anxiety, then I think it's best to own that. I think it's best to say to your co-parent. You know I get that this is not a necessary communication, but I'm feeling a lot of anxiety about this and I just had to put this in here. I'm really sorry. I'm not trying to imply that, you don't know. I'm just having a lot of anxiety about the situation myself and I'm very sorry. That's okay, you know. If you do that a couple times and your co-parent responds, then I think that's fine, but don't make it a habit.

Speaker 1: 12:12

Eventually you need to deal with that problem on your end. If you're facing those anxieties and if there aren't situations occurring that are putting your child in jeopardy, then it's a you problem and it's time for you to address that with a mental health professional. Hopefully Now if you find that you are sending extra communications that are just to make you feel good, not because it's dealing with some sort of legitimate anxiety that hopefully you're going to get past soon. But it feels good to snipe at your co-parent on you. Maybe they hurt you in the past, maybe they did whatever, and you're taking every opportunity to get back at them, and maybe you have a group of friends that you share your messages with. You're like, hey, look at what I said this time, look how I got him on this, like how I got her on that. Then you're the problem you need to stop.

Speaker 1: 13:10

Even if your co-parent was unhealthy in the past, even if there was some abusive communications in the past by them, that doesn't justify your present and future unnecessary sniping communications. Eventually it's going to turn around and bite you and you have to ask yourself how much is it worth to you to send those communications? I mean, if your co-parent eventually is going to be bringing you in front of a parenting coordinator to address the issue or filing a motion maybe an application for contempt or a motion to terminate you in custody, how many thousands of dollars is that going to take? How much time with courts and attorneys is that going to take? And what's the real trade-off there? Did you get the benefit of the bargain? Was it worth it to you to snipe and to send those nasty messages based on your resentments about the past? Was it really worth it? If it was, then I hope you get that addressed.

Speaker 1: 14:15

Also, that's a mental health issue that I hope you consider seeing someone to figure out why you have the need, the compulsion to be a jerk. That is an unhealthful co-parenting dynamic. It's not good for you, it's not good for your co-parent and, most importantly, it's not good for your kid. There is no way, if you were sending those types of messages on a routine basis, that you're not giving that same energy to your child, that they're not overhearing your conversations with your friends, that they're maybe not picking up your phone when you don't know it and looking at text messages. I mean, how often do parents give their child their tablet or their cell phone to play a game, to keep them occupied for a few minutes? How easy is it for a child who's old enough to open up the text message app or whatever app you're using and seeing the communications? How harmful would it be for your child to be sitting there and reading all of these nasty communications with vicious snipes and allegations? How good is that for them? And again, is it worth it to you, knowing that you're potentially harming your child just to make yourself feel better for sending nasty messages? How does that feel for you really? Is it worth it?

Speaker 1: 15:40

Now, as your children grow, the communications will get less and less. When you have an infant and you're doing a visitation transfer, there should be a log. What's necessary at that age is a great deal more information than when there's a teenager. You's necessary at that age is a great deal more information than when there's a teenager. You know you're going to have feeding schedule, bathroom schedule, you know if you're toilet training, how's that going. So as your children get older and they're more able to advocate for themselves and take care of themselves, where things become a little bit more routine, then there's less need for the communication. Things will settle down into some hopefully healthy patterns.

Speaker 1: 16:15

In the beginning, be open to more communication as you're trying to figure out the proper rhythms. If you have a younger child, be open to more communication because there's more to talk about, because you're providing more care for a more fragile human being. If you have a high conflict co-parenting situation, then the list of items you should be talking about is extremely narrow to just what is absolutely necessary. As the conflict decreases, then you're going to open up to have more things that you both want to talk about with each other.

Speaker 1: 16:47

There's going to be more communications about your child in which you can both take joy and both appreciate hearing from the other parent some information that isn't strictly necessary but sure made your day to hear something cool that your kid did or said so, until you can get to a place of good co-parenting, it is safest to strictly stay to what is necessary pursuant to the order and the developmental and special needs of your child. As your co-parenting situation gets better, as you can hopefully settle into a more healthy pattern of communication, then naturally you're going to find that that spectrum of communication opens up a little bit to include things that are not necessary but are fun and enjoyable, and communications that you may ultimately treasure, that you're able to have a part of, because you started with the foundation of respectful, strictly necessary communication that left the past in the past, forgot about recriminations and focused on just the best interests of your child. Thanks a lot. Hope you have a great day.