Understanding Your Child's Emotional Blueprint

Speaker 1 0:00

Have you ever wondered how your child really sees you , not just what they say , not just what you can kind of see on the surface , but how they really emotionally perceive you , how they perceive your relationship , if they view you as being kind and loving and gentle the kind of impression that you're giving them deep down about how you feel about them , how your child sees you , creates their emotional blueprint for how they're going to construct all of their future relationships .

Speaker 1 0:28

In this video we're going to talk about how your child's inner working model is formed , how the blueprint for how they're going to construct all their future relationships is formed . And it all starts with how your child sees you . So let's talk about that how your child sees you . Think of your child's inner working model as their inner representation , their blueprint of relationships . These models are formed from the very beginning , from our earliest experiences . In other videos on this channel we've talked about attachment theory . We've talked about things like the still face experiment . We've talked about the strange situation . If you haven't seen those videos , go back and check them out , because they provide really good foundational information to understand now how your child's inner working model is formed . Go back and look and see what a secure child looks like . Go back and see what a child with insecure attachments looks like . All of these experiences are built from our interactions with our caregivers primarily our parents , but other caregivers as well . These experiences teach us what we can expect emotionally from others , how worthy we are or unworthy we are of being loved , and how we should go about interacting in this social world .

Speaker 1 1:39

In this video we're not going to go back over attachment theory from the very beginning , but I'm going to use some of the terms . So , if a person has a secure attachment , what does that mean for their inner working model ? Remember that a secure attachment is formed through loving , attentive , attuned relationships with their caregiver . If a child has a secure attachment , then they're going to have an inner working model that is positive . The blueprint of a securely attached child teaches them , most importantly , that they themselves are worthy of love . That's such a huge gift to give to anybody and if you don't feel like you're worthy of love , you know exactly what I mean . So first , it teaches them they're worthy of love . Next , it teaches them that they can trust . They can depend on others emotionally as they go forward into the future . It's safe to build relationships . It teaches them that they can depend on others for emotional support . They don't have to do it all themselves . Having to do it all yourself or thinking you have to do it all yourself is so lonely , and kids who have developed secure attachments and have that as their blueprint don't have to be lonely like a lot of the rest of us are . So that kind of secure attachment we said comes from loving , attentive , properly attuned parenting .

Speaker 1 2:53

But what happens when a child's caregiving is inconsistent , neglectful or even abusive ? In that case they're going to have an insecure attachment . It could be anxious , it could be avoided . They could unfortunately even have disorganized attachment . What kind of inner working model will that child have ? Well contrasted with what we saw with securely attached children . These children are going to learn that they're not lovable . They're going to learn that they can't depend on others . They're going to learn that it's not safe to build emotional relationships with other people . They're going to be more withdrawn . They're going to be less . It's not safe to build emotional relationships with other people . They're going to be more withdrawn . They're going to be less willing to engage in the social world , to build the relationships that are going to help them throughout their life . They're starting off behind .

Speaker 1 3:34

The key point here is that these inner working models , these blueprints , are showing us how we feel we can engage in the world as adults feel we can engage in the world as adults . It forms the blueprint for how we engage in romantic relationships , how we find romantic partners , how we approach those romantic relationships , what we bring to the table , what we expect from others , what we think we deserve from others . All of that comes from the foundation of what we learned as children , from the caregiving that we receive . That's how attachment intersects with our inner working models and that gets to whether a child becomes an adult who is emotionally resilient , who is ready for secure , healthy emotional relationships . If we grow up with a negative inner working model , then we're not prepared to find healthy partners . We might seek out , unconsciously , relationships with people who confirm for us our ideas , our negative ideas about relationships , our negative ideas about what we deserve from a romantic partner , what we deserve in a relationship . If a child receives inconsistent , neglectful , abusive parenting , then that child is being predisposed to seeking out emotionally neglectful , distant , even abusive relationships as adults . Now that we understand the stakes , how can we do a better job as parents and as co-parents in helping our children create a positive blueprint , a positive inner working model . Well , here's some examples of how that can work .

Speaker 1 5:11

We need to focus on providing , comforting rather than dismissing emotions . If you have a child , you know that children are all about big emotions . When a child brings you a big emotion , how you respond to that emotion teaches them a lot about the world . If you allow them to have big emotions , if you sit with them through their big emotions , guide them through it , then you're teaching them that the world is emotionally safe . But if you're dismissing your child's emotion , if you're telling them that it's not that bad , if you're swatting them down for expressing how they're feeling , they're going to learn that it's not safe to express how they feel . They're going to learn that it's not okay to have feelings . That creates a child who avoids contact with others . That creates an adult who avoids expressing their true emotions to others because they're afraid that they're going to be dismissed like their parents dismissed them . It doesn't have to be a conscious thing . Unconsciously they know if I express my big emotion , no one wants me . So they don't express them , they bottle them up until they explode .

Speaker 1 6:18

Are you a parent who encourages your child's independence or are you overly controlling ? Do you allow your child to do everything for themselves that they can , or do you dictate when and how every single thing is going to be done ? If you allow a child to explore , if you allow your child to do everything for themselves that they possibly can , knowing that it's not going to be perfect , then you're teaching the child that they matter , that they have the ability they can do things . That's extremely empowering for a child . But if you're overly controlling , then what you're showing your child is they're not good enough . They don't have what it takes to interact with this world in a healthy way . They can't do things for themselves . That creates an inner working model that they're not good enough , as opposed to a model that says that they're worthy . This is a big one . Children need to be heard and seen and appreciated for what they're doing .

Speaker 1 7:12

Too often I think we can all agree we have parents on our phones , on our devices , on TV , binging Netflix , not paying attention to our child who's running around on the floor . We give them a tablet , we give them an iPhone , we put a video game in front of them and we tell them to go distract themselves , to take care of themselves because we don't have the emotional energy at the end of the day to help them . And it's harder , right , it's so difficult for parents to be able to spend that time with their children when nowadays it takes at least two incomes , maybe three or four , to run a household . Everything's so much more expensive . It taxes you , it leaves you lacking , at the end of the day , in the emotional wherewithal to engage fully with your child . But it's critical that they receive that .

Speaker 1 7:59

If you engage with your child , when they show you the same thing for the 15th time , if you're making eye contact with them , if you're showing them that you care , then they're developing the internal working model that they're valued and that they're important . But what happens if you don't engage with them that way ? What happens if you're just chronically distracted , you're not paying attention to your child ? And it could be because of stress at work , it could be financial problems that you're having , it can be relational issues that you're having . Whatever the reason , if you're chronically distracted , not paying attention to your child , they get the opposite message that they don't matter , they're not important , they're not worthy of your time . If they don't think they're worthy of your time , they're not going to think that they're worthy of other people's time either as they get older . And how you discipline your child matters too .

Speaker 1 8:45

The perfect balance of parenting , the perfect balance of discipline , is called authoritative . Authoritative parenting combines warmth and structure and compassion . It teaches children , it gives them opportunities to learn and grow . That is the proper kind of parenting and that kind of parenting produces a child who understands that there are restrictions in this world , that there are boundaries that they have to respect . But they know that when you discipline them , they know that when you invoke those boundaries for them , that you're doing it because you love them and you want to keep them safe . They get buy-in already with what you're telling them because they know that it comes from a place of love . Their inner working model is not all boundaries are bad , not all restrictions are bad . For me . Some are good and some are here to help me because the person who put it in place loves me .

Speaker 1 9:37

But what if you're an authoritarian style , disciplinarian ? What if your parenting style is you will listen to what I say because I'm the adult and I'm in charge . Right , not based on logic , based on position of authority . Then you're not getting the buy-in from your child . They don't believe that you're leading with love . They don't believe that you're imposing restrictions on them because it's in their best interest , because you love them and you want to keep them safe . They think you're a tyrant . They see you as a tyrant who's imposing restrictions on them to benefit you and not them . You're developing a child who's going to have more and more discipline issues because they don't have buy-in for your style of parenting . That's going to create more conflict between you and you can stamp your foot right . You can say no , you will listen to me , but it does nothing to improve the relationship , building that foundation of love and understanding where they know that you're coming to them first in love , always because they're valuable , they're worthy of your love and attention . That's going to create the kind of parenting dynamic that you want and it creates a kind of inner working model that's going to be healthiest for them as adults as well .

Speaker 1 10:48

What are some key takeaways in terms of how you can improve how your child sees you and , at the same time , how your child sees themselves ? First thing is to validate their emotions . Let your child understand that you see their emotions , that it's okay that they have big emotions , that their emotions are important to you . That matters Behaviors you can deal with , but you always let them know that their emotions are valid and that you want to sit with them through their emotions . You're not going to squash down their emotions . You're going to listen to them and validate them .

Speaker 1 11:22

Next , be consistent and predictable . Kids thrive on consistency . Kids thrive on predictability . It helps them feel safe . If you remember when you had an infant and you used to swaddle them up tight , that tightness felt good . Why is it that adults get weighted blankets ? That feeling of restriction , that feeling of weight feels good . Consistent and predictable parenting is equivalent to swaddling an infant or having a weighted blanket as an adult . So consistent , predictable parenting .

Speaker 1 11:54

Next , encourage problem solving and independence . The more that your child is able to do for themselves , the more they feel empowered to do for themselves , the more they're going to feel worthy , the more they're going to understand that they have a place in this world , that they can do things , that they can make changes . They're not going to feel like they're a victim . They're not going to feel worthless . That's an incredible gift that you give your child letting them do for themselves everything that they safely can One of the most important things to do , too , is when there is disconnect , when you do have conflict with your child , when maybe you've messed up , when you weren't attentive , when your parenting was authoritarian , when things didn't quite go right , to repair the damage .

Repairing Damage and Building Resilience

Speaker 1 12:37

The damage can be repaired Reaching out with love , with understanding , apologizing when you messed up , showing them that they're worth you , apologizing to them . You can repair small damages to make your child more resilient than they were before the damage occurred , but it takes some effort . Here's the really good bottom line takeaway from this information no matter where you are in your parenting situation , no matter how much you've messed up , no matter how disconnected you think you may be from your child , if you're sitting there worried that you've damaged irreparably your child's inner working model , be aware that you can always make improvements . You can always make change . Our kids are incredibly plastic . They have an amazing ability to adapt and to grow . If things have gone poorly , then their adaptations are probably not great . They're maladaptive . They're not going to help them in the future in their relationships . They're currently maybe on a path to have a poor inner working model . But you can fix it by engaging today with your child in healthy ways .

Speaker 1 13:38

Like we've discussed , little interactions throughout the day become dozens , become hundreds , thousands , hundreds of thousands of positive interactions going forward .

Speaker 1 13:51

Hundreds of thousands of positive interactions going forward can help shape your child's inner working model , can provide them with that healthy kind of blueprint to help them enter adulthood secure , so that they're ready to receive love because they know they're worth it . They're ready to pick a partner who can respect them and have a strong communicative relationship where each person loves and respects the other . You can still do that for your child even if you've gotten off to a bad start . If you've gotten off to a good start , that's amazing and you can reinforce it daily through positive small interactions . The good news is armed with this information , with the willingness to put the work in daily , your child is on the path to having an amazing , fulfilling social life of positive interactions with secure relationships . You can give them that gift which is worth more than anything . You can give your child a better future than the past you've had . You can give your child the gift of amazing , secure relationships into the future , including the relationship with you .