Speaker 1: 0:00

Have you ever wondered how your child really sees you, not just what they say, not just what you can kind of see on the surface, but how they really emotionally perceive you, how they perceive your relationship, if they view you as being kind and loving and gentle the kind of impression that you're giving them deep down about how you feel about them, how your child sees you, creates their emotional blueprint for how they're going to construct all of their future relationships.

Speaker 1: 0:28

In this video we're going to talk about how your child's inner working model is formed, how the blueprint for how they're going to construct all their future relationships is formed. And it all starts with how your child sees you. So let's talk about that how your child sees you. Think of your child's inner working model as their inner representation, their blueprint of relationships. These models are formed from the very beginning, from our earliest experiences. In other videos on this channel we've talked about attachment theory. We've talked about things like the still face experiment. We've talked about the strange situation. If you haven't seen those videos, go back and check them out, because they provide really good foundational information to understand now how your child's inner working model is formed. Go back and look and see what a secure child looks like. Go back and see what a child with insecure attachments looks like. All of these experiences are built from our interactions with our caregivers primarily our parents, but other caregivers as well. These experiences teach us what we can expect emotionally from others, how worthy we are or unworthy we are of being loved, and how we should go about interacting in this social world.

Speaker 1: 1:39

In this video we're not going to go back over attachment theory from the very beginning, but I'm going to use some of the terms. So, if a person has a secure attachment, what does that mean for their inner working model? Remember that a secure attachment is formed through loving, attentive, attuned relationships with their caregiver. If a child has a secure attachment, then they're going to have an inner working model that is positive. The blueprint of a securely attached child teaches them, most importantly, that they themselves are worthy of love. That's such a huge gift to give to anybody and if you don't feel like you're worthy of love, you know exactly what I mean. So first, it teaches them they're worthy of love. Next, it teaches them that they can trust. They can depend on others emotionally as they go forward into the future. It's safe to build relationships. It teaches them that they can depend on others for emotional support. They don't have to do it all themselves. Having to do it all yourself or thinking you have to do it all yourself is so lonely, and kids who have developed secure attachments and have that as their blueprint don't have to be lonely like a lot of the rest of us are. So that kind of secure attachment we said comes from loving, attentive, properly attuned parenting.

Speaker 1: 2:53

But what happens when a child's caregiving is inconsistent, neglectful or even abusive? In that case they're going to have an insecure attachment. It could be anxious, it could be avoided. They could unfortunately even have disorganized attachment. What kind of inner working model will that child have? Well contrasted with what we saw with securely attached children. These children are going to learn that they're not lovable. They're going to learn that they can't depend on others. They're going to learn that it's not safe to build emotional relationships with other people. They're going to be more withdrawn. They're going to be less. It's not safe to build emotional relationships with other people. They're going to be more withdrawn. They're going to be less willing to engage in the social world, to build the relationships that are going to help them throughout their life. They're starting off behind.

Speaker 1: 3:34

The key point here is that these inner working models, these blueprints, are showing us how we feel we can engage in the world as adults feel we can engage in the world as adults. It forms the blueprint for how we engage in romantic relationships, how we find romantic partners, how we approach those romantic relationships, what we bring to the table, what we expect from others, what we think we deserve from others. All of that comes from the foundation of what we learned as children, from the caregiving that we receive. That's how attachment intersects with our inner working models and that gets to whether a child becomes an adult who is emotionally resilient, who is ready for secure, healthy emotional relationships. If we grow up with a negative inner working model, then we're not prepared to find healthy partners. We might seek out, unconsciously, relationships with people who confirm for us our ideas, our negative ideas about relationships, our negative ideas about what we deserve from a romantic partner, what we deserve in a relationship. If a child receives inconsistent, neglectful, abusive parenting, then that child is being predisposed to seeking out emotionally neglectful, distant, even abusive relationships as adults. Now that we understand the stakes, how can we do a better job as parents and as co-parents in helping our children create a positive blueprint, a positive inner working model. Well, here's some examples of how that can work.

Speaker 1: 5:11

We need to focus on providing, comforting rather than dismissing emotions. If you have a child, you know that children are all about big emotions. When a child brings you a big emotion, how you respond to that emotion teaches them a lot about the world. If you allow them to have big emotions, if you sit with them through their big emotions, guide them through it, then you're teaching them that the world is emotionally safe. But if you're dismissing your child's emotion, if you're telling them that it's not that bad, if you're swatting them down for expressing how they're feeling, they're going to learn that it's not safe to express how they feel. They're going to learn that it's not okay to have feelings. That creates a child who avoids contact with others. That creates an adult who avoids expressing their true emotions to others because they're afraid that they're going to be dismissed like their parents dismissed them. It doesn't have to be a conscious thing. Unconsciously they know if I express my big emotion, no one wants me. So they don't express them, they bottle them up until they explode.

Speaker 1: 6:18

Are you a parent who encourages your child's independence or are you overly controlling? Do you allow your child to do everything for themselves that they can, or do you dictate when and how every single thing is going to be done? If you allow a child to explore, if you allow your child to do everything for themselves that they possibly can, knowing that it's not going to be perfect, then you're teaching the child that they matter, that they have the ability they can do things. That's extremely empowering for a child. But if you're overly controlling, then what you're showing your child is they're not good enough. They don't have what it takes to interact with this world in a healthy way. They can't do things for themselves. That creates an inner working model that they're not good enough, as opposed to a model that says that they're worthy. This is a big one. Children need to be heard and seen and appreciated for what they're doing.

Speaker 1: 7:12

Too often I think we can all agree we have parents on our phones, on our devices, on TV, binging Netflix, not paying attention to our child who's running around on the floor. We give them a tablet, we give them an iPhone, we put a video game in front of them and we tell them to go distract themselves, to take care of themselves because we don't have the emotional energy at the end of the day to help them. And it's harder, right, it's so difficult for parents to be able to spend that time with their children when nowadays it takes at least two incomes, maybe three or four, to run a household. Everything's so much more expensive. It taxes you, it leaves you lacking, at the end of the day, in the emotional wherewithal to engage fully with your child. But it's critical that they receive that.

Speaker 1: 7:59

If you engage with your child, when they show you the same thing for the 15th time, if you're making eye contact with them, if you're showing them that you care, then they're developing the internal working model that they're valued and that they're important. But what happens if you don't engage with them that way? What happens if you're just chronically distracted, you're not paying attention to your child? And it could be because of stress at work, it could be financial problems that you're having, it can be relational issues that you're having. Whatever the reason, if you're chronically distracted, not paying attention to your child, they get the opposite message that they don't matter, they're not important, they're not worthy of your time. If they don't think they're worthy of your time, they're not going to think that they're worthy of other people's time either as they get older. And how you discipline your child matters too.

Speaker 1: 8:45

The perfect balance of parenting, the perfect balance of discipline, is called authoritative. Authoritative parenting combines warmth and structure and compassion. It teaches children, it gives them opportunities to learn and grow. That is the proper kind of parenting and that kind of parenting produces a child who understands that there are restrictions in this world, that there are boundaries that they have to respect. But they know that when you discipline them, they know that when you invoke those boundaries for them, that you're doing it because you love them and you want to keep them safe. They get buy-in already with what you're telling them because they know that it comes from a place of love. Their inner working model is not all boundaries are bad, not all restrictions are bad. For me. Some are good and some are here to help me because the person who put it in place loves me.

Speaker 1: 9:37

But what if you're an authoritarian style, disciplinarian? What if your parenting style is you will listen to what I say because I'm the adult and I'm in charge. Right, not based on logic, based on position of authority. Then you're not getting the buy-in from your child. They don't believe that you're leading with love. They don't believe that you're imposing restrictions on them because it's in their best interest, because you love them and you want to keep them safe. They think you're a tyrant. They see you as a tyrant who's imposing restrictions on them to benefit you and not them. You're developing a child who's going to have more and more discipline issues because they don't have buy-in for your style of parenting. That's going to create more conflict between you and you can stamp your foot right. You can say no, you will listen to me, but it does nothing to improve the relationship, building that foundation of love and understanding where they know that you're coming to them first in love, always because they're valuable, they're worthy of your love and attention. That's going to create the kind of parenting dynamic that you want and it creates a kind of inner working model that's going to be healthiest for them as adults as well.

Speaker 1: 10:48

What are some key takeaways in terms of how you can improve how your child sees you and, at the same time, how your child sees themselves? First thing is to validate their emotions. Let your child understand that you see their emotions, that it's okay that they have big emotions, that their emotions are important to you. That matters Behaviors you can deal with, but you always let them know that their emotions are valid and that you want to sit with them through their emotions. You're not going to squash down their emotions. You're going to listen to them and validate them.

Speaker 1: 11:22

Next, be consistent and predictable. Kids thrive on consistency. Kids thrive on predictability. It helps them feel safe. If you remember when you had an infant and you used to swaddle them up tight, that tightness felt good. Why is it that adults get weighted blankets? That feeling of restriction, that feeling of weight feels good. Consistent and predictable parenting is equivalent to swaddling an infant or having a weighted blanket as an adult. So consistent, predictable parenting.

Speaker 1: 11:54

Next, encourage problem solving and independence. The more that your child is able to do for themselves, the more they feel empowered to do for themselves, the more they're going to feel worthy, the more they're going to understand that they have a place in this world, that they can do things, that they can make changes. They're not going to feel like they're a victim. They're not going to feel worthless. That's an incredible gift that you give your child letting them do for themselves everything that they safely can One of the most important things to do, too, is when there is disconnect, when you do have conflict with your child, when maybe you've messed up, when you weren't attentive, when your parenting was authoritarian, when things didn't quite go right, to repair the damage.

Speaker 1: 12:37

The damage can be repaired Reaching out with love, with understanding, apologizing when you messed up, showing them that they're worth you, apologizing to them. You can repair small damages to make your child more resilient than they were before the damage occurred, but it takes some effort. Here's the really good bottom line takeaway from this information no matter where you are in your parenting situation, no matter how much you've messed up, no matter how disconnected you think you may be from your child, if you're sitting there worried that you've damaged irreparably your child's inner working model, be aware that you can always make improvements. You can always make change. Our kids are incredibly plastic. They have an amazing ability to adapt and to grow. If things have gone poorly, then their adaptations are probably not great. They're maladaptive. They're not going to help them in the future in their relationships. They're currently maybe on a path to have a poor inner working model. But you can fix it by engaging today with your child in healthy ways.

Speaker 1: 13:38

Like we've discussed, little interactions throughout the day become dozens, become hundreds, thousands, hundreds of thousands of positive interactions going forward.

Speaker 1: 13:51

Hundreds of thousands of positive interactions going forward can help shape your child's inner working model, can provide them with that healthy kind of blueprint to help them enter adulthood secure, so that they're ready to receive love because they know they're worth it. They're ready to pick a partner who can respect them and have a strong communicative relationship where each person loves and respects the other. You can still do that for your child even if you've gotten off to a bad start. If you've gotten off to a good start, that's amazing and you can reinforce it daily through positive small interactions. The good news is armed with this information, with the willingness to put the work in daily, your child is on the path to having an amazing, fulfilling social life of positive interactions with secure relationships. You can give them that gift which is worth more than anything. You can give your child a better future than the past you've had. You can give your child the gift of amazing, secure relationships into the future, including the relationship with you.