Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome everybody. This week, in anticipation of Thanksgiving and the upcoming Christmas holiday, I thought that we would have a holiday episode, pretty quick, just to give some key points that I think might be helpful as you were trying to work on your holiday plans and dealing with some things that can occur during holidays when you're co-parents. I mean, it's a very stressful time for co-parents, but if you try to have some good planning and some clear communication, that can make it a more joyful time for everybody and, most importantly, a better time for your kids. So here are some thoughts about how to do that. First, keep in mind that the goal as adults, especially for Christmas, is to keep the holiday special for the kids. So you want to prioritize your child's experience over your own concerns. It may honestly be a little more selfish, and it's okay for us to have selfish desires Selfish not in an objectively bad sense, but just it's about us, things that we would like to have, us Things that we would like to have occur, things that we would like to experience. Sometimes those aren't perfectly in line with what our kids would prefer or what's best for them. So one we want to prioritize our children's experiences. So focus on what will make the holidays a better, more meaningful experience for them, not on what feels fair for you. It's very possible that because of some scheduling concerns or maybe your work or maybe the plans that your family members have made that maybe conflict with the other parents or with the children's school schedule, it may be the case that you can't really get your fair outcome this holiday season. It may be the case that you can't really get your fair outcome for this holiday season. I'm sorry if that's the case for you, but you have to keep the focus on the kids.

Speaker 1: 1:51

So it's important also to talk with your kids, depending on their age, see if you can involve them in discussions about holiday plans in a way that is not in any way conceivably negative towards your co-parent. But talk with them, feel them out, ask them what they would like to have going on for the holidays. It's okay to ask them what they're interested in without creating for them the false expectation that just because they would like something to occur, that it will occur. And it's also helpful to just ask them general questions. You don't have to ask them leading questions. You don't have to ask them pointed questions about the plans. You don't have to give them the impression that they get to dictate things, and you certainly do not want to give them the impression that there's any, even potential conflict between you and their co-parent about the holidays.

Speaker 1: 2:38

Creating that kind of stress for them is the number one way to have them not enjoy the holiday season. But finding out what they're interested in this year, maybe how they've changed since you last talked with them, maybe they've heard of something cool that their friends are doing, talking to them about what they would like to have happen at the holiday season in ways that are reasonable based on their age and which won't add stress to their lives, can be a good thing. In prioritizing their experience, you want to focus on consistency. It's up to you to try to make sure that the traditions or routines that provide stability for them can remain in effect, you can add things without taking things away, so maintaining some traditions while talking to them about things they may like to add or do differently this year is a good combination. Involving them in the process in a way that is developmentally appropriate also can increase their enjoyment of the season.

Speaker 1: 3:36

It's important that you plan and that you communicate early, so try to discuss schedules in advance Now. Your parenting plan likely has hopefully has a detailed holiday schedule, but those are always fallback schedules. There's every possibility that there is a different schedule, a different set of plans that you could put in place with your co -parent. That would actually be better for both of you this particular year. Don't think that you have to be bound by the terms of the joint custody plan or the decree, whatever your document is, just because it says it there. That is always just a backup plan. If you can agree on things that are better off for everybody, then do it, and you're not going to know if there's something that might work better for everybody unless you discuss it. So try to work out those holiday plans well ahead of time. Avoid last-minute stress and disagreements. You can use your parenting plan as a starting point, but have that flexibility if there are new opportunities or new needs that come up.

Speaker 1: 4:45

It's important in advance to try to clarify your drop-off and pickup logistics. You know things change around the holidays. People are busy, there are family coming and going, so be specific about times and locations to try to avoid misunderstandings. And again, whatever's in your order is your backup If you can't agree on something different, if you don't want to do something different, then what's in the order controls? If you're having long distance travel, you need to communicate and take that into consideration as well. You know, if your parenting time for the holidays ends at 6 pm on a Friday and the travel that you have planned for that takes, let's say, four hours by road, it is appropriate for you to build in some buffer time, some additional time for weather, for traffic, for other kinds of delays that might occur, and if you do that, then it's not going to be a stressful situation for your child. Depending on your child's age, they know what time the transition is supposed to occur and they can anticipate there might be some conflict that would arise or some hurt feelings or some angry discussions. If one of you is late, you should try to be on time just because it's the right thing to do and it's respectful of your co-parent's needs. But always and again, keeping the child at center, having enough time scheduled for the travel so that you're not running into stressful situations that could involve co-parenting conflict happening maybe in front of your child or concerning which your child might be aware, is a good way to do proactive things to try to ensure that your child has the best holiday season, that they can. Try to remain flexible and be as cooperative as you can. Depending on your schedule, depending on the location, depending on the last time that you modified your agreement.

Speaker 1: 6:33

Splitting the holiday may not be feasible. If it's not, then celebrate on different days. We get too wed to having, you know, christmas Eve on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day on Christmas Day, and certainly there is power to those days. They are memorable days that are special for everybody. Things are different on TV, things are different in the community. Those days do matter but depending on how old your child is, it may not matter to them at all. You know, very young children have no concept of which day is the actual day. Older children, teenagers, for example, they probably don't care about the specific day. They care about you know what are we doing? What kind of presents am I getting? Don't be overly rigid in demanding to have a specific day, a specific time. You may wind up having that specific day and that specific time in a specifically horrible experience because of all the unnecessary conflict that arose because you weren't able to communicate and work well with your co-.

Speaker 1: 7:41

Important to maintain traditions that are comforting to your child, but it's also the case that, depending on the changed circumstances and how long you've been separated, some traditions may need to change. So it's okay to have some sort of mixture to keep older traditions to incorporate new traditions. That's part of communicating with your child about some new traditions they might like to put in place. They're not necessarily going to be able to verbalize it as a new tradition that they want to establish for the family, but they may have seen something cool that they're interested in. You may have seen something interesting that you want to try to implement. So keeping consistency with your most treasured traditions while adding new enjoyable traditions for your children is a great thing.

Speaker 1: 8:27

As you start communicating about the holidays, try to communicate effectively. If you have difficulty in your co-parent communications, there's some apps out there that can help you. If you find that you're having difficulty in your communications, if you find that you're being triggered by, maybe, some hurtful communication from your co-parent, or maybe if you're having trouble finding the right tone for your response, maybe think about using the Best Interest app from Saul Kennedy. It's a great product with a great concept. There's also other parenting apps that similarly have a tone meter.

Speaker 1: 9:02

The key is don't think that you have to come up with the perfect words, the perfect response. You can use technology to help you communicate the way that you wish that you could natively. Maybe you don't have. Whatever that is that helps people sort of take a breath, take a beat and communicate in a way that is more appropriate. If you're struggling with that and that's okay, we all struggle with different things then don't hesitate to use the technology to help you. Then don't hesitate to use the technology to help you. I mean, even ChatGPT can help you. If you put the communication into the ChatGPT, it can help give you some other alternatives than maybe the way that you've said it, which may not be a gift to anyone this holiday season. So don't be afraid to use that technology.

Speaker 1: 9:50

Keep the conversations about holiday arrangements. Be respectful, be focused on logistics. Don't be focused on past grievances, afraid to use that technology. Keep the conversations about holiday arrangements. Be respectful, be focused on logistics. Don't be focused on past grievances. You know very often parents will get sort of hemmed up with what happened last year, how they felt slighted last year. You know how they felt the person was disrespectful to them. Give yourself the gift. Keep those concerns about past negative interactions in the past. Keep this holiday as joyful as it can be.

Speaker 1: 10:18

Once you've communicated well and you've come up with a plan, stick to the plan. Once you've agreed upon it, follow through on the arrangements. That's a great way to build trust and a sense of reliability. You know trust is often damaged in the separation process. How could it not be so? A great way to build up trust is to be exceptionally reliable and fair in situations that could be particularly difficult.

Speaker 1: 10:49

Sometimes these holiday plans can get particularly difficult. It is very common that people who are planning for their family members, their extended family, to be around, maybe coming to their home, are going to be under so much stress. It is so easy to have your cup run over where you just don't have the emotional wherewithal to maybe communicate the way that you should, maybe communicate the way that you should, and it's easy to think to yourself well, I'm going to prioritize the people who are really still in my life that I really want to think about, and not my co parent. That's a mistake. You should prioritize that communication and the scheduling with your co-parent if at all possible, not because you owe it to your co-parent although in some way you do but because you owe it to your child. Sticking to the plan, building trust, showing your reliability, is only going to help your co-parenting, which is only going to help your child.

Speaker 1: 11:45

And part of managing your communication effectively means to avoid using your kids as the messengers Communicate directly with the other parent instead of relaying messages through your kids. I mean it's going to wind up with that game of telephone where things get sort of stated incorrectly or maybe with the wrong tone, maybe the wrong word. That is unintentionally triggering to your co-parent. And it's not fair to put your child in the middle because you may think that they were just a dispassionate third-party intermediary, no different in effect than an envelope in which you send a letter with your communication. But your kids are not automatons, they're not envelopes in which you send a letter. They're children with their own fears, their own expectations, their own thoughts about how the co-parenting relationship is going thoughts about how the co-parenting relationship is going. So, even though you may feel like there's no harm in sending a message which you perceive to be innocuous through your kids, the message may not be as innocuous as you intend and your children definitely have a perspective about how they're being used for communication and they have anxiety about being that go-between, so please don't put them in that position.

Speaker 1: 12:58

It's good to help your children manage their expectations. So discuss with them in advance the schedule, prepare them for the schedule. Let them know who they're going to be with, when and how the celebration is going to happen. If the children are younger and they're having trouble understanding that, you can use a calendar as a visual aid to help them understand what's going on. Helping them understand in advance what's going to occur, how they're not going to be missing the fun things that they may be afraid they're going to be missing, will help them reduce their anxiety and will help them better enjoy the holiday festivities at both homes. Set realistic expectations for them.

Speaker 1: 13:36

It's important to remind your kids that the holidays are going to be different. You know, especially if this is the first year post-separation, the holiday is going to look different, but it can still be really enjoyable and full of love in both homes, and that's the key right. Unless you're dealing with a domestic violence situation or something where it's really not feasible for the children to feel comfortable in both homes, it's important for you to set the expectation for them that they're going to have a great time in both homes, that they're not going to miss anything at either homes, and if you help put that plant, that seed in their head, then they're more likely to be perceiving what actually occurs in that more positive light, so long as you set a reasonable, realistic expectation for them. If there's something for which they may be disappointed, it gives them a chance to experience that disappointment and regulate themselves before they get into the situation, which increases the likelihood that they'll actually be able to enjoy the situation that evolves, even if it's not what they would have necessarily wanted or even if it's not exactly what they would have set in place if they were in charge.

Speaker 1: 14:44

Part of doing that is focusing on the positives. I mean highlight the benefits of having multiple celebrations or having different traditions that they're going to experience in different homes. I mean, every kid loves two Christmases, you know, unless the parents make it difficult. So help them enjoy those positives. Help them enjoy the fact that they're going to get to celebrate more than you will because they have two parties to go to. That's wonderful for them. Help them focus on that positive.

Speaker 1: 15:12

Try to be supportive of your co-parent. Encourage your children to maybe make a card or purchase a gift for your other parent and express excitement about that time with them. Make it a thing. How wonderful for your child would it be if you're saying to them oh, let's find a really great gift for your mother. Or, hey, let me get you some materials and you can make a card for your father this year. He would love that and you're so good at making cards that he really appreciates.

Speaker 1: 15:42

So be supportive of the other parent's role as the child's parent and this becomes even more important if there are step-parents involved. It is wonderful and appropriate to honor the step-parents and the role that they play. That's a tough job. Ask any step-parent and in their honest moments they'll tell you it's a really tough job. So it's totally fine to honor them, but they're not the biological parent and you have to make sure that you're helping your child honor their biological parent and appreciate them in the holiday season. Part of that is also to avoid competing with your other parent.

Speaker 1: 16:18

So focus on the meaningful quality time you're going to have instead of trying to outdo the other parent with, like, extravagant gifts or extravagant activities. That's not what's most important to your child. You can take your child to Disney World for Christmas and if you're not actually present with them, if you're not being kind and compassionate and loving for them, then they're going to be on a really expensive, horrible vacation. Also, kids like things that are fair, and if they get the sense that you're just kind of bullying the other parent by being able to find something more extravagant, they're not going to appreciate it as much as you think and they're not going to appreciate you as much as you think they should. They're going to get the sense that you're being kind of unfair and kind of a bully in how you're doing this. They're not going to appreciate it.

Speaker 1: 17:07

Sometimes the holidays can come with really emotional moments, especially in the beginning after separation. Those are some definite challenges that your child may experience, and you probably will too. So the holidays can very often bring up feelings of loss or feelings of sadness for your child because they're missing a parent, especially if it's the first Christmas, for example, when they're going to be opening presents in the morning and one of their parents isn't going to be there. You may be really happy the other parent isn't there, because now you actually get to enjoy your Christmas, but that's not the same for your child. They have a different relationship with your co-parent than you do.

Speaker 1: 17:44

Recognize that that can be a challenging time for your child and prepare yourself emotionally. It can be tough for you to be apart from your kids, so try to make plans to enjoy your time without the children. There's going to be some period of time during the holidays where you're not going to have them. So plan something for yourself. Maybe spend time with friends, maybe volunteer somewhere, maybe indulge in some self-care. Prepare yourself emotionally for the holiday experience that may be different for you for the first time this year. It's okay to treat yourself. It's okay to put yourself in the best place emotionally to make sure that your child has the best experience this holiday season.

Speaker 1: 18:26

Next, try to use technology wisely. Allow your kids to connect with the other parent on a video call if they're missing them during the holiday. Don't be offended if, in the middle of opening presents, your child starts to be sad and misses the other parent. There's nothing wrong with saying, hey, let's take a break. Why don't you call your mom? Let's FaceTime her and then you can say Merry Christmas to her this morning. You know, be open to that and don't take it personally. It's not an attack on you as a parent. It's not a comment on your relationship with your child not being as good as your co-parents is. It's just your child having an experience, your child feeling maybe big feelings that they're not accustomed to and not knowing how to deal with it. Instead of making them bottle that up and then maybe it comes out later in a way that you're not going to appreciate, engage with them about how they're feeling and offer them the opportunity to maybe talk with the co-parent if that's going to be something that makes them feel better, sort of trowses that situation for a bit and allows them to fully enjoy their time with you and appreciate the fact that you allow them to do that. It can also be helpful to coordinate your gift giving. If you have the kind of relationship with your co-parent where this is possible and I hope you do you can discuss presence with your co-parents so that you avoid having some duplicates or you avoid maybe spending more than you intended to if you realize that your child's going to be getting something at the other house that maybe you don't need to get them now. If you have a really great relationship, you can even say have a shared Amazon wish list for your child that you could be populating throughout the year and then sort of divvy up how you're going to do things. So there's some great technological solutions out there for co-parents who can really work well together to save themselves some money and some heartache during the holidays and to again focusing on your child. Give your child the best holiday experience that they can have.

Speaker 1: 20:20

Holidays involve extended family, which is how it goes, and so one of the things that you can do to plan for the presence of that extended family is to set good boundaries. So really communicate clearly to your extended family the holiday schedule and ask them for their understanding and to not put added pressure on you. It's very often the case that a grandparent will be frustrated by the fact that there's this imposition of the other parent having their parenting time during the holiday season, and they sometimes make it hard on you to try to enjoy your holiday time. They make you feel guilty for what's going on when you may not have really any control over it. So talk with your extended family in advance. Let them know what the schedule is, let them know what the difficulties are that you're facing, so that they have the opportunity to be kind to you and to show patience, to be a little bit more generous maybe in their perception of how the holiday is going. Again, doing this early allows everyone to sort of take that information in and process it, if they're frustrated by it, to get over that. Then by the time the holiday comes around everyone can be ready, if they're in a good place, if they're acting in a mature way to be able to be kind and generous to everybody.

Speaker 1: 21:38

The other side of extended family is to make sure that you encourage those relationships. It's your job as a parent to make every effort to facilitate your child's relationship with all of their loved ones, not just the ones on your side. So make those efforts to try to facilitate time between your child and their grandparents and relatives, cousins on both sides, whenever possible. If that means changing up the schedule a little bit to allow your child to spend time with their cousins, do it. If your child has an aunt or uncle that they love, that they don't get to see often and it's on the other side, you know it's your co-parent's family, they're going to be in town and it's something where you've planned something that isn't necessarily as important but would be fun. But it's not like the end of the world. If you miss it, then be open to the idea that your child will probably appreciate it more in the long run to be able to spend that time with that favorite aunt or uncle or cousin or grandparent. Lastly, try to have some backup plans.

Speaker 1: 22:37

Be prepared for unexpected changes that have to occur. I mean, christmas time comes with illnesses, travel delays and other circumstances that can just disrupt your plans. In my mind I'm immediately thinking of Planes, trains and Automobiles. An older movie if you haven't seen it, but things can go awry. So try to be flexible and be solution-oriented when those problems occur. Try not to do the blame game. Try not to get too much in your head. Try not to ruminate on how someone has made your life more difficult. Be flexible, solution-oriented. Don't be focused on blame. Don't be focused on how someone may have slighted you. Try to communicate your changes calmly. So if something does need to shift, immediately approach the other parent with respect and focus on what's best for the kids.

Speaker 1: 23:27

It may be that you need to ask for some flexibility. It may be that you need to be prepared to provide some flexibility. So when you are communicating about these changes that maybe have to occur, remember no one's happy about it. You're not happy about it. They're not happy about it. They're not happy about it. So I can make anything any better to have those conversations in a way that is disrespectful or focused on blame. So hopefully these tips that I have provided will help you have a better holiday season this year. Try to approach the holidays with cooperation and with a child-centered mindset. If you do that, you and your co-parent can create happy memories for your child that will last long beyond the holiday season. Thank you everybody. I hope you have a great week. We'll see you next time.