Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome everybody. Today we are starting our series on separation anxiety. In the series we're going to talk about everything from your normal everyday separation anxiety that every kid goes through to clinical separation anxiety disorder. Separation anxiety affects every kid to some extent, whether they meet the criteria for a formal diagnosis or they just experience difficulty being apart from a parent. The goal of the series is to give separated parents insights and some practical strategies to help their kids feel secure, balanced and confident during transitions and to avoid the negative impacts of separation anxiety on kids and co-parents.

Speaker 1: 0:43

Today I want to start by talking about what separation anxiety is. The first thing it is is evolutionarily appropriate, as humans were born helpless. Normal separation anxiety provides survival benefits because helplessness is a universal phase of human development. Separation anxiety typically appears at six months to one year of age and peaks between nine to 18 months, phasing out by approximately two and a half to three years. After that three-year point, separation anxiety can re-emerge as temporary or transient anxiety, and that's pretty common in children when they go to school for the first time, for example. That's a normal response.

Speaker 1: 1:26

There are several contributors to separation anxiety. Anxiety can just run in your family. It's genetic to some extent. They've done twin studies in which it showed that there are stronger inheritance patterns of anxiety for identical twins than for fraternal twins. Anxiety for identical twins than for fraternal twins, indicating there's a genetic component to how people develop anxiety, including anxiety significant enough to be considered a disorder. Children can also be conditioned or trained to have anxiety, including separation anxiety. Depending on how you parent your child, you may be teaching them to pay too much attention to what are referred to as danger cues. You may also be preventing them from learning to respond appropriately to safety signals. Especially in combination, these conditioned responses in kids can result in increased anxiety and even separation anxiety disorder, which we'll talk about in more detail.

Speaker 1: 2:22

Attachment theory also helps explain why some kids develop separation anxiety. Attachment theory describes a child's requirement to develop a relationship with a caregiver for normal social and emotional development. There are four main attachment styles secure attachment, anxious, avoidant, disorganized and anxious ambivalent. That last one, anxious ambivalent attachment, is the most common attachment style for children with severe separation anxiety, and a common symptom of anxious ambivalent attachment is anxiety when the caregiver is absent and only receiving limited relief when the caregiver reappears.

Speaker 1: 3:03

Parenting behaviors can also play a major role. As parents, we're constantly teaching our kids about the world and what their place is in it. Sometimes these lessons can help our kids and sometimes they harm them. In terms of separation anxiety, we teach our kids by showing them. For example, if we demonstrate to our children that they have something to be afraid of when they leave us, they're going to start to learn to be afraid when they leave us. You can take something that is evolutionarily appropriate and perhaps, with a child who's predisposed to have anxiety, you can turn it into a real problem based on how you're modeling how fearful they should be in certain circumstances.

Speaker 1: 3:45

Overly protective and overly critical parenting styles, parental response to child anxiety and family accommodation of a child's anxiety all contribute to the conditioning and development of childhood anxiety. Children who have parents who suffer from depression or anxiety disorders have a higher risk of developing a depressive or anxiety disorder themselves, including separation anxiety. In summary, separation anxiety is a normal and evolutionarily appropriate emotion in very young children. If a child is not genetically predisposed to a more severe level of separation anxiety and if a child is not improperly conditioned by their parents' behavior, then nearly all children will essentially grow out of separation anxiety with no harm done. However, some kids will develop clinically significant levels of separation anxiety, and this can occur for many reasons, ranging from genetic predisposition to unhelpful parenting practices. And this takes us into a discussion of separation anxiety disorder, which is also referred to as SAD. While most separation anxiety is just a normal part of growing up, sad is present when the anxiety is persistent, excessive and inappropriate for the child's developmental stage, which is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

Speaker 1: 5:11

A child with SAD might experience many different symptoms, but here are a few Severe distress when separated from a parent or caregiver. Repeated worries about losing their attachment figure or something terrible happening to them. A refusal to go to school or participate in activities because of their fear of separation. Or they may have physical symptoms such as stomach aches or headaches during or before separation. To meet the diagnosis for SAD, these behaviors have to last at least four weeks and cause significant distress or interfere with daily function. For example, it would need to interfere with your child's academic progress or their relationships. These relationship disturbances could include not wanting to go see a perfectly safe co-parent with whom they're not residing. It's estimated that about 4% of children experience separation anxiety disorder at a clinical level. Many other kids fall just short of meeting the criteria, but they still struggle with separation-related anxiety. But they still struggle with separation-related anxiety. So it's this entire spectrum. You can have kids who are just on the edge but not quite qualifying for separation anxiety disorder, and it can still have some important impacts on their daily lives and their relationship with their parents. That in turn can negatively affect the co-parenting relationship.

Speaker 1: 6:30

The whole point of discussing separation anxiety on this podcast is to get into the idea of separation anxiety in the context of separated families. Separation anxiety can feel even more intense for kids in separated or divorced families. In these situations, your child's not only adjusting to life without both parents in the same household, but they're also going to be switching back and forth between homes. These transitions by themselves can bring about anxiety. For kids who already have separation anxiety tendencies, these changes can really heighten their distress. They might feel unsure about the parent that they're leaving behind or worry about what's going to happen with them when they're apart. Some kids even express guilt, feeling like they're responsible for both parents' happiness, which is an impossible and heavy burden emotionally for any child. If your child is dealing with separation anxiety, you'll probably notice clinging to one of you during handoffs or refusing to visit one of the parents' homes. Your child may excessively worry about what's happening with the parent they aren't with, and they may have trouble sleeping at night, especially alone. Now, having these behaviors doesn't necessarily mean the child has separation anxiety disorder Remember, only about 4% of children do but these behaviors do signal that your child needs more support and reassurance help to manage their emotions. The good news is that there are many strategies that both parents can use to ease the transitions that reduce your child's anxiety over time, and part of what we're going to do in this series is to get into what parents can do to help.

Speaker 1: 8:06

Today, I want to give a quick preview of some of the strategies that parents can use to help their child cope with separation anxiety, whether or not it meets the threshold for a clinical disorder, parents can create predictable routines. Kids feel safer when they know what to expect. Sticking to a consistent schedule for pickups, drop-offs and transitions between homes can really be helpful. Having a color-coded calendar in both parents' homes can help children understand what their schedule is going to be, and that makes it more predictable for them. Use transitional objects. Your child might really be comforted by bringing their favorite stuffed animal, a blanket, maybe a photograph back between both homes. Having pictures of the other parent in your home, even if you can't stand them, can really help your child be comforted.

Speaker 1: 8:52

If they're dealing with separation anxiety, practice short separations and build your way up. Start with short separations of maybe just a few hours and then gradually increase that over time. That practice will help your child adjust. This is something that can be difficult for the non-custodial parent, but if your child actually is having separation anxiety, it's up to you to make sure that you're doing your part to help them deal with it. Validate your child's feelings. Let them know that it's okay to feel anxious, instead of saying something like there's nothing to worry about. Try instead to say something like this next example say I understand that you're feeling worried and I know this is really hard. I'll see you soon and everything is going to be okay.

Speaker 1: 9:39

Focus on your own behavior. Try to model calm behavior for your children. Kids pick up on their parents' emotions. If you stay calm and reassuring during transitions. That shows them that the separation is safe. If you do things to make your child feel like the other parent is unsafe, especially when they're not actually unsafe, that's only going to increase their confusions and anxiety. Work together with your co-parent. Try to make sure that both of you are on the same page. Consistency, routines and positive messaging across both households can help your child feel more secure.

Speaker 1: 10:16

Now, at some point, you may have to seek professional help. While most kids, like 96% overcome separation anxiety with some time and basic support, there are circumstances when professional intervention is needed. If your child's anxiety is very severe, it's persistent, and if it's interfering with their daily life, then you're going to want to consider talking to a mental health professional. The first thing I'd recommend is for you, as the adult, to see what you can fix about yourself. Work with a therapist to come up with strategies to reduce stress at home and to make the visitation transfer a situation in which your child feels comforted instead of unsafe. Doing that will be a big help for your child's separation anxiety and it has the benefit of being the option that has the least impact on your child. Depending on your child's age, you could also consider behavioral therapy for them. There's research that shows that, depending on the child's age, evidence-based therapy can help children manage their anxious thoughts and behaviors. Then, lastly, in some cases you might consider medications like SSRIs for kids with severe anxiety. Early intervention is key. The sooner that the anxiety is addressed, the better the outcome is going to be for both your child and for you.

Speaker 1: 11:35

Remember that separation anxiety is a normal part of childhood, but for some kids it becomes a challenge that requires extra care and extra attention, especially in separated families. In future episodes within the series, we're going to dig more deeply into all of these things that we've just glossed over today. I picked this topic because it comes up so frequently. Separation anxiety can be used as both a sword and a shield by parents. I wanted to create this series so that we can talk about what separation anxiety actually is, how it comes about, how it gets exacerbated, how it can be helped and what some strategies are for co-parents who are looking to work together in good faith to help their child experience less anxiety as they go back and forth between two homes.

Speaker 1: 12:24

If you're thinking to yourself well, if they're anxious, they just shouldn't go. That's not the right answer. If your other parent is safe, then the right answer is to help your child understand and believe that the other parent is safe and that you are going to be okay while they're gone. The answer is not to limit contact with the other parent. The answer is to build up the resilience and understanding in your child that everything is okay. Thanks a lot, everybody. We'll see you next time.