Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome everybody. Today we are going to continue on in our effective discipline series by talking about how to create some consistency in discipline between two homes. In addition to the materials that we've already discussed as part of the series, I want to provide a further conceptual basis for my position on how to have effective discipline in two homes. My position on how to have effective discipline in two homes and that additional basis I want to provide is a takeoff on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. So the original hierarchy of needs was created in 1943 by a gentleman named Abraham Maslow, who's a psychologist, and that hierarchy of needs was talking about how to prioritize human needs, going from the base level up until what he called self-actualization. So at the very bottom of the pyramid are things that are absolute necessities just to make it in this world and things that are more esoteric, like love and feeling a sense of belonging. They're at the top of that pyramid. Now there is a professor at the University of Virginia named Robert Emery and he has taken that Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and he's adapted it a bit in a book that he has called Two Homes, One Childhood, which I think I'll probably get into soon because I have really enjoyed it and he's got his own hierarchy of needs for kids in two homes.

Speaker 1: 1:31

This hierarchy has a similar structure. It starts at the bottom with physiological needs like food and shelter, goes up one level. The next level of that pyramid is a survival and safety, so protection from danger, and that can include danger from an abusive parent. Next it gets to having a good parent. That is the third level, up from the bottom in this pyramid. It's unconditional love, clear, firm, consistent discipline. That's what Dr Emory refers to, asa, good parent, and that is something that is consistent with what we've been discussing, you know. That's why this pyramid of needs makes sense as part of this conversation about discipline, because a good parent involves the concept of providing clear from inconsistent discipline and this conversation about discipline in two homes. It makes sense here as well, because that consistency in discipline is something that we would strive for across both homes if we could, and so that's why this makes sense to me at least. Hopefully makes sense to you too.

Speaker 1: 2:31

So, after you have that level of good parent, the next level is protection from conflict, so parental conflict, keeping it at a very small level or contained in some way so that it doesn't involve the kids. The kids don't understand that it even exists. So, going up this pyramid, if you've gotten the physiological, the survival and safety, one good parent, protection from conflict Next up is to hopefully have a second good parent. So to have two good parents, and at Cochrane Academy that is one of our founding principles that each child deserves two good parents if at all possible. We developed that before.

Speaker 1: 3:14

I knew of Dr Emery's hierarchy of needs for kids in two homes, but it fits, and so it makes me kind of feel better. That that's one of our principles as well. Kind of feel better, that's one of our principles as well. So a second authoritative parent who works with and not against the other parent, that's getting towards the highest level that a child could have in terms of having their needs met in two homes. And then ultimately, the peak of this, the top of this pyramid, is that kids get to be just kids and who don't think of themselves as a child of divorce. And parents do their job as parents so that kids get to be just kids and you don't think of themselves as a child of divorce. You know parents do their job as parents so that kids get to be the kids.

Speaker 1: 3:50

So the reason I bring this up is because consistency between two homes is something that is extremely helpful for children when it's possible. But I have to acknowledge that there are multiple different views about having consistency between two homes and when you have consistency, the degree to which you have consistency. So you can imagine extremely strict consistency in two homes where the parents are doing everything exactly the same, To more general consistency where things aren't exactly the same but they're very much aligned to where you have really not any consistency between the homes. So I want to talk a little bit about arguments for and against having consistency in both homes, because I know in the past Linda and I together did an episode on parallel parenting. That was actually one of our most popular episodes and we were decidedly against parallel parenting if it could be avoided. But sometimes it just can't be avoided. When you have lots of abuse going on in a relationship, sometimes you just can't work together to get consistency between the two homes. So I want to give both sides of that conversation.

Speaker 1: 5:06

For each of these, I'm going to first address a reason why the consistent approach may be better and then I'm going to give what I think a response from someone who is an advocate for parallel parenting would say All right. First, stability Children need a foundation of stability to learn and to grow. So having consistent rules and expectations between the homes can help give kids this sense of security, which is really essential for emotional and psychological development. Now, just because you have this platform of stability doesn't mean that the child won't experience anything that requires them to adapt. I mean, you can have a consistent framework, but kids can still experience varied things, varied activities, different interactions. That allows them to experience flexibility and to learn how to respond to different situations. So it is not the case that stability equals rigidity. Instead, think of stability as creating this sort of safe platform from which kids can then explore the world and learn how to be flexible and learn how to respond to different kinds of environments. Let's see what someone who is an advocate of parallel parenting might say in response to that.

Speaker 1: 6:22

So if you're an advocate for parallel parenting, your response to that consistency argument might be that you know sometimes co-parents have a high level of conflict and if that's the case, trying to enforce consistency can just increase tension and it can lead to more confrontations, both direct and indirect, which can be harmful to your child when you are using parallel parenting that can reduce the need for frequent communication and negotiation, that can allow each parent to manage their own household independently according to their own rules. And while there can be some benefit to consistency when you have, maybe, low conflict co-parenting it's not going to be realistic when parents don't get along. So reducing conflict between parents by limiting the interactions and allowing each parent to run their own home in the way that they choose can produce a more peaceful environment for your child, which is ultimately more important than having that consistency between the two homes. And that's actually a position that is supported by Emory's hierarchy of needs. So, if you recall, having one good parent and having protection from conflict were both on levels before you got to the level of two good parents. So this is something that aligns. It presupposes that you're not able to have that kind of consistency without also increasing conflict. So that is a premise underlying parallel parenting, which is actually kind of sad. If it's the case that the parents can't put their kids first, can't stop the conflict, then, yeah, parallel parenting probably is going to wind up being more important, but it deprives children, to our level, of having their needs met All right.

Speaker 1: 8:12

Next is parental autonomy. So when you're trying to build consistency between two homes, you know one complaint about it can be that you're sort of taking away a parent's autonomy and you're trying to have unrealistic expectations of co-parenting. But remember consistency doesn't mean rigidity. So parents can still maintain their individual styles in areas that won't confuse your child or create conflict for the child. So here's an example. You know parents can agree on a discipline strategy but still express their own personalities and how they interact with the child. So here's an example. You know parents can agree on a discipline strategy but still express their own personalities and how they interact with the child. So you can have the same punishment laid out, but how you implement that punishment is something that you can do that expresses your own independent relationship with your child and your own perspective on things. The consistent portion is that the child knows that the same punishment is going to occur in both homes.

Speaker 1: 9:07

When you're trying to have consistency between the two homes, it's not really erasing the differences between the individual parents. It's focusing on aligning really the core aspects of parenting that are going to directly affect your child's well-being Things like bedtime discipline, your expectations for how they do in school. So you don't want to eliminate your differences. You want to provide enough common ground so that your child isn't constantly navigating rules or environments that are just very contradictory. Having this commonality can reduce stress for your child, who otherwise may feel like they're kind of caught in the middle and forced to choose sides. With some open communication about your differences, between co-parents, it is possible to have consistency, be a realistic thing and an effective thing in many cases.

Speaker 1: 10:06

In many cases, If you are a parallel parenting advocate, you're going to probably say that parallel parenting better respects each parent's autonomy because you let them establish their own rules and expectations in their own household. It is acknowledging each parent's individual right to make decisions based on their values, their lifestyle, their circumstances, without having to get the approval or alignment, or whatever you want to call it, from the other parent. Children have the capacity to adjust to different rules in different environments. I mean they do it all the time. Children have different rules at their house versus when they're at school, if they're on a team versus if they're at a friend's house. So having this kind of difference is not unusual for a child. They already know how to do it and it helps them learn valuable lessons about respecting boundaries and adapting to new situations and respecting the authority which they're currently under. These are all kind of valuable things for a child to learn.

Speaker 1: 11:01

Also, we talked about how to have consistency between the two homes really depends on having some communication. But parallel parenting advocates would want to, in high conflict situations, reduce communication, because frequent communication can just add fuel to the fire, creating more conflict or stress. It can create resentment and that can all negatively affect your child. So when you have parallel parenting that can allow co-parents to minimize their direct interaction and just focus on really the essential information exchanges that you have to have you know what are they doing for school, what are their extracurriculars, you know any medical updates Then those things can be communicated through email or a parenting app that has a shared calendar. Decreasing this level of communication can increase a peaceful environment for kids in each home, allowing kids to maybe thrive without being caught in the middle of parental disputes. So they would point out that it's really not necessary for both homes to be perfectly aligned for a child to feel secure, and in fact, they're not going to feel secure if they're constantly in the midst of conflict Another area of disagreement between parents who want to promote consistency between the two homes and parents who want to work with a parallel parenting framework is the extent to which either of those two options can promote a child's building a sense of independence.

Speaker 1: 12:35

So if you're on the side of consistency between two homes, you're going to argue that that provides a structure within which kids can then safely explore their independence. When there's these predictable boundaries, kids know what's expected of them, and that lets them make informed choices and develop a sense of responsibility. If they don't have those clear and consistent expectations, then their sense of independence can be kind of undermined because there's uncertainty and there's confusion that can lead them to feel anxiety or externalize their feelings through rebellion against one or both of the sets of rules. So having that structure supports kids autonomy by giving them a clear framework, and then they can operate within that framework to learn how to manage the freedom that is available to them responsibly. Now if you're a proponent of parallel parenting, you're probably going to say something like kids are more adaptable than we give them credit for. Having different rules in the different houses isn't something that's going to confuse them. Instead, it's going to teach them how to sort of navigate the different expectations and the different environments. So when you have parallel parenting, they would say, children can develop independence by learning to adjust to the specific guidelines in each of the homes. When they do this successfully, it can be empowering for them. It can help them become more flexible and more capable of handling the different demands that they'll receive in different places in their life. So instead of focusing on matching the rules between two homes to make it maybe easier on the kids, parallel parenting advocates would say that you should encourage kids to respect and follow the rules set by each parent, assuming that they have the ability to do so.

Speaker 1: 14:23

The next area is the relationship between emotional stability and maybe more consistent rules. So consistent rules can contribute to emotional stability and they do that by providing a predictable environment, especially for kids who are already dealing with maybe some complex emotions. I mean just the stress of living in two homes to begin with. When kids know what to expect, they can be less anxious and they can feel more secure. So emotional stability comes from feeling safe and understood and respected, and when you have rules that are aligned across both homes, that can be part of creating a safe environment for the kids. Consistency helps reduce confusion. That can reduce anxiety that can foster emotional security.

Speaker 1: 15:12

Now, if you are an advocate of parallel parenting, here's what your response might be. You might say that emotional stability for kids comes more from a calm and conflict-free environment. It comes more from that than from having perfectly aligned rules in both homes. So when you have parallel parenting, it allows for emotional security by reducing parental disagreements and allowing each home to establish clear boundaries within their own homes. The kid knows what to expect in each home and as long as key values such as respect for parental authority in each other, safety, emotional support as long as those are present in both homes, having different routines or sets of rules doesn't harm a kid's emotional well-being. In fact, a parallel parenting advocate would say it can actually protect the children from unnecessary emotional turbulence when there's constant conflict between the parents. By reducing that communication between the parents you can reduce that conflict, which can reduce the emotional turmoil for the kids. So there's some other areas that we could get into as well, but I think we've got enough of a basis to think about having consistency between two homes and providing opposing viewpoints. So that this conversation is a little more nuanced than if I just gave one position, I'll just wrap up each side's perspective, I think, as is important to this conversation. So if you are a proponent of having as much consistency between both homes as possible, then your position is.

Speaker 1: 16:52

It's not about having some sort of rigid control controlling every aspect of the child's life or forcing the parents to be identical in their homes. It's not about that. It's about providing a stable and predictable environment that can help your kids feel secure and supported even when there's a lot of conflict or change going on. By being aligned on key areas like discipline and bedtime and expectations for school, co-parents can reduce confusion, can limit the stress that their kids feel and can help their kids thrive emotionally and academically and relationally, all while maintaining their individuality as parents. The advocate for parallel parenting would say that in high-conflict situations, which is the only time when you really need to have parallel parenting, making it a priority to reduce the interactions between the co-parents provides more of a benefit to your child than having unnecessarily strict consistency between the homes. So, although consistency may be a good idea in low-conflict co-parenting situations, parallel parenting allows for independence and reduces potential for conflict. When there is high conflict, it fosters adaptability in kids by letting them learn how to navigate different environments. So the focus for parallel parenting is on maintaining peace and emotional security for your child instead of enforcing uniformity in parenting styles or rules.

Speaker 1: 18:22

So ultimately, here's my perspective on having consistency between the two homes. If you have two parents who are able to put their children first and get over the conflict that led to the separation, then it is better for the children to have as much consistency between the two homes as they can. Having consistency helps the children understand that their parents love them enough to work together, even when they can't live together. If there are principles, moral values, expectations that both parents have in common, enforcing those in both homes will reinforce to your child that these are legitimate concepts. Both my parents, even in different homes, think the same thing, so this must be the right thing to do. It's hopefully the message that's being sent, and if you actually feel like that is the right message you want to send, then having it reinforced at the other home is a good thing for you. Did you want to send? Then having it reinforced at the other home is a good thing for you.

Speaker 1: 19:34

Remember that on Emory's hierarchy of needs for kids in two homes having two good parents who can work together in an authoritative way to provide unconditional love and clear, consistent discipline for the child. That's the highest levels that you can reach. That's what allows your child to just be a kid and not to think of themselves as a child of divorce. So if you can do that, that's absolutely, I think, the best that you can do. That's the best for your child.

Speaker 1: 19:58

But if you're in a situation where there's abuse in the relationship, where one or both parents can't get out of their own way, where they're too emotionally immature or wounded or damaged in some way to be able to put their children first, then parallel parenting is probably going to be the better option, because protection from conflict is a more important need than having two good parents. As long as a child has one good parent, it can be protected from parental conflict is a more important need than having two good parents. As long as a child has one good parent, it can be protected from parental conflict. They're going to be better off than trying to force interactions between two parents who can't work together or one parent who isn't a good parent, who isn't showing unconditional love and isn't setting clear, firm and consistent discipline boundaries. So parallel parenting is plan B. It's a backup option and when you engage in parallel parenting.

Speaker 1: 20:57

What you're saying is I understand that because of either my co-parent or me, or the relationship that we have, I'm not going to be able to provide my child with what's best for them, which is two good parents, and that's a sad thing. Sometimes it's all this left, but it's still sad. So, with that super long introduction, let's talk about some of the ways in which you can have consistency between both homes. So these are some ideas and there's other ways in which parents can be consistent between both homes. But here's some ideas at different developmental stages that may get you started thinking about what you could implement if you chose to do so. So for infants and we'll call that zero to two years here's some key things Having routine sleep schedules at both homes Because, remember, sleep is just critical for kids' development.

Speaker 1: 21:57

For infants, Sleep is so important for an infant's development. It's important for co-parents to agree on a consistent bedtime, if they can, on consistent nap schedules, pre-sleep rituals like reading a book to them or gentle rocking this can help your infant associate these actions, you know, maybe reading to them or rocking them with sleep, regardless of which home they're in, You're helping precondition them to go to sleep, and every parent wants their infant to sleep more. I would think so this would be a good them to go to sleep, and every parent wants their infant to sleep more. I would think so this would be a good thing to try to agree on. To prep the ground for your child to sleep better Feeding schedules are important, so whatever nourishment your child's receiving if they're breastfeeding, bottle feeding, if they're starting to get onto solid foods it's really helpful for a co-parent to agree on a feeding schedule so this can help make sure that your infant isn't overfed or hungry when the transitions occur. You can talk about portion sizes, meal times, when and how to introduce new foods to avoid maybe some allergy issues, if they come up, or digestive problems. So talking about feeding schedules and how you introduce new foods can be really helpful.

Speaker 1: 23:21

Comfort items as well are good things to have with some consistency. So security objects like blankets or stuffed animals or pacifiers all of these give comfort to your child. Allowing these items to go back and forth between the homes can help your infant feel safe and can help reduce separation anxiety during the transitions. If you've discovered that certain methods of soothing your child work really well, those should be communicated and maybe tried between both homes too. So if using swaddling, or white noise, or gently patting your child on the back, if those things work, then co-parents should work together to share those methods and try to adopt similar approaches at their own home to help a baby calm down and fall asleep. This will also help reduce stress during transitions.

Speaker 1: 24:10

Another option to think about for increasing consistency is bathing routines. You know, if you can get a regular bath time routine, like familiar toys, the same bath products, what you do after a bath like maybe applying baby lotion, that can give your infant a sense of continuity and security again. Hopefully you notice each of these items that we're talking about for infants, each of these different possibilities for collaboration, are all designed to help your child feel more comforted and more secure. That's the primary objective, but a secondary benefit from achieving that primary objective is that it's going to make your life better too. If it's easier for you to put your child to sleep, if your child's going to sleep better and if it's easier to get your child fed, if it's easier to make your child feel comforted and not have separation anxiety, all of those things are going to benefit you as well. So in helping your child, you're helping yourself. That's another reason to have this consistency, if you can manage it.

Speaker 1: 25:16

So let's move on and talk about toddlers. We're talking here about ages two to four, so at this age toddlers are really learning about boundaries. So having consistent discipline between both homes is really helpful. So if one parent uses timeouts but the other parent ignores misbehavior, then your toddler can become confused. It's better for both parents to agree on specific discipline methods and then to reinforce the rules and the consequences in both homes in a similar way, if you can do it.

Speaker 1: 25:49

Potty training is another area that can be really, really challenging if there's not consistency. So it makes sense to talk together and to try to agree on the method that you're going to use for potty training. You know, are you going to use a potty chair or a toilet seat? How are you going to reward your child for doing well? Are you going to use stickers? Are you going to use praise? What are you going to do? How are you going to cue your child that it's time to go to the bathroom? We're going to say something like let's go potty. You're going to say that in both homes, which would be really helpful, and it's helpful to have the same potty related items available in both homes, Like maybe your child has a favorite book and that's the book that you have to help them with their potty training.

Speaker 1: 26:35

Trying to have some consistency in how your children are using and learning language is helpful too. It can help your toddler's speech development. So if parents use the same words for key ideas like please or thank you or share if those are specific terms that's used for your daily activities kids are less likely to get confused and can help them learn the language faster. I don't know about you, but I'm using Duolingo to try to learn a language and having that consistency like having the same terms be used even though maybe other terms are possible helps you get a handle on what those terms mean and you can start building your foundation for the language. Same works with our kids as they're trying to learn our language. Having some consistency between the two homes using the same terms for the same concepts can be helpful. Also, toddlers just thrive on predictable routines, so having some consistency in your daily routines is really helpful. Routines so having some consistency in your daily routines is really helpful. If you can have some consistency in your daily schedules like meal times, nap time, play time, quiet time, when those are predictable in both homes, it can help toddlers feel more secure and may decrease some of the tantrums that you can experience. Next are safety rules, For the basic sort of inarguable safety rules like no sticking forks and electrical sockets. I mean, for things like that, having some consistency between both homes, making sure that both homes are on the same page, that they've outlined the same rules, that they enforce those same safety rules, can help your child avoid confusion and be safer in both homes, which is something that everybody wants.

Speaker 1: 28:16

Okay, let's talk about early childhood. We'll call this age five to seven. Some areas here that would be helpful between both homes would be bedtime. You know, if you can agree on a set bedtime and keep some pre-bedtime rituals the same, like limiting screen time, some pre-bedtime rituals the same, like limiting screen time, maybe reading or having a conversation to try to wind down, All of this can help promote some better sleep for your kid, which is really important for their school performance and their emotional regulation. As I'm sure you're aware, how you approach homework is important as well, and if you can get some consistency between the two homes, you can reduce some acting out and tantrums when it comes time to do homework. So it's helpful if both homes could work together to have similar distraction-free time, some quiet time for completing homework or engaging in other educational activities, whether it's reading or math games or whatever you do to help your child increase their skills. Helping your kid develop good study habits early on is going to pay dividends as they get older. And if you can come to some agreements about what those study habits look like and if it can be the same or similar in both homes, that's going to help reinforce that these are good study habits that your child should be doing. It may help them to internalize them as good things for them and get them to then implement those study habits, those routines, for themselves, even without your intervention.

Speaker 1: 29:44

At this age children can start being expected to participate in some chores you know little things like tidying up their toys, helping to set the table. You know feeding a pet things like that. Small chores like that can help your child develop responsibility and if you can have some similar expectations for basic chores like that in both homes, then your child will be less likely to get upset or push back because maybe one home has chores that are expected and the other doesn't. That inconsistency can make your child be kind of upset. And also, as children get older, I find it interesting children will respect their parent more if they make them participate in chores. I've had many conversations with children as a GAL where the children actually have more respect for the parent who has a chart of rules for them to do and makes them do their chores, than for the parent who is inconsistent about chores or doesn't make them do anything. So having some consistency in chores between the two homes is something that is helpful for your child and helpful for you as well. Don't think you're getting ahead if you're not making your child do chores into their houses. That actually probably will wind up working against you. All right behavioral expectations how do you encourage positive behavior and how do you handle negative behavior when it occurs? Having some alignment on that is important, if you can do it to help prevent your child from testing those boundaries. So if your kid knows what to expect and if it's going to be relatively the same at both houses, they're less likely to act out in one home as opposed to the other. They're less likely to test those boundaries at one home or the other, and they're less likely to try to play you off of each other, which is something that, as kids get older, they master how to play one parent off the other.

Speaker 1: 31:34

Next let's move on to more school age, sort of middle childhood years, age 8 to 12. So here screen time limits become really important. This age group, these kids, are going to be pushing the boundaries as far as they can regarding screen time, like TV, video games, social media. So it's really important that, if you can, you work together to set similar limits on usage. If you can agree on screen time duration and the type of content that they can watch, that's going to help you prevent power struggles between you and your child and will help reduce some outbursts that your child may have when they don't get to do the thing at one home that they get to do at the other.

Speaker 1: 32:14

We all know that screen time is unhelpful. If you have a child that was born in the early 2000s, just as screen time was becoming more of a thing, you probably regret your screen time practice. I think all of us could have been more informed and more restrictive of screen time when things like iPads and iPhones were just coming out. But now we know we know the importance of limiting screen time for small children, and so this is a really important area that parents should get together on and try to have some common rules. Things like when you go to bed, your phone's not in your room, it's charged in a hallway or it's charged in your parents' room, Something like that just little things, can help set good limits and consistency between both homes. Another thing curfew and free time. So as kids are getting older, you should work together to try to set the same curfews for them and the same limits on the free time that they have. So that may be in agreement, maybe just when they stop playing, when they start getting ready for bed, if they're at a friend's house, when they come home. Having that consistency, if you can do it, can help your child feel more secure and grounded.

Speaker 1: 33:30

Extracurriculars at this age are starting to become more of a thing as well. So if it's a sports team, if it's music or some sort of academic activity, both parents, if they can, should be on the same page regarding support for extracurricular activities. So, for example, both homes should encourage attendance at practices and events and they should assist when necessary. You know, making sure that your child has, you know, all of their equipment for their softball game, or making sure that they have gotten all of their work done for their math club or whatever it is that they've got. Supporting the activity of both homes, especially an activity that your child loves, is supporting your child.

Speaker 1: 34:15

Sometimes we have parents who get into conflict. Maybe one parent wants a child to do an activity and another parent doesn't. If your child winds up doing an activity that you maybe didn't want them to do in the first place, that ship has already sailed. They're doing the activity. Aligning with your co-parent's house about how to prepare and support your child in the activity that they're already doing is a way to help your child feel loved and supported and to help reduce conflict, not just between you and your co-parent, but also between you and your child, because they will start to get the sense that you're not supporting them and that will not go well for you.

Speaker 1: 34:51

As these children are getting older and they're expanding their social horizons a little bit, friendships are becoming more important for them, and friendships not just set up by you with a play date with another parent that you happen to like, but friends that maybe you don't know their parents and are friends that they've met at school. Maybe you have nothing in common with their parents or would never be friends with them, but still your child may be friends with their child. So as your child gets into more social relationships that are not connected with you, then it becomes helpful to come to some sort of agreement between both homes on rules about social interactions, Like when can friends come over? Which friends can come over, how long can the friends be there when friends come over? Which friends can come over? How long can the friends be there when they come over? How are they supposed to behave when they're interacting like this? Having these clear boundaries that are the same at both homes will allow your child to have better understanding about what they can and can't do with these new friends that they're developing.

Speaker 1: 35:51

And then health and hygiene. That becomes more important as well, as kids are starting to take this on more themselves. I mean, I don't know if you have a child who may be older. You know you still may be asking your child at the age of 18 if they put deodorant on. So having consistent rules about hygiene you know when and how often do you brush your teeth? How do you brush your teeth, Do you floss? When do you shower? You know if you're going to the doctor. How often are you going to doctor's appointments, how often do you go to the dentist?

Speaker 1: 36:20

Maintaining consistency across both homes can help your child learn and sustain good hygiene and health habits. If you help your child internalize these habits for themselves, then that can make the job easier on you later on trying to have some consistency, some continuity in their personal care. That means that they're going to take it on themselves and they're not going to neglect these routines when they switch houses. That way, you don't have a teenager running around without deodorant on. You don't have a kid who never brushes their teeth. You, you know, we all would appreciate our kids to brush their teeth and to put deodorant on, so that's also going to be a good thing for you, not just your kid.

Speaker 1: 37:00

And as your child becomes a teenager, a lot of these things are the same, but they get kind of amped up. You know these teenage years 13 to 18 these are when your child is supposed to be growing apart from you. They're supposed to individuate, become their own person. And so this is where the foundation that you provided by working with your co-parent in the past is going to benefit you. Hopefully, your child has already internalized these boundaries and expectations that you both have agreed on for them, and so you need to just continue the same work that you've already started talking about curfews, homework expectations, screen time and device usage, but you can start adding things as well. So now rules about friends and socializing are going to become even more important, because your child may be driving with a friend.

Speaker 1: 37:51

Making sure that you have similar rules so that your child knows that they can't get, Making sure that you have similar rules so that your child knows that they can't get away with something in one house and not at the other. You can start talking with them about getting a job, how they're going to deal with money. If they're going to get an allowance. You know if they have a car, what kind of car are they going to have. You know how can they use the car, who pays for the gas? You know. Are they allowed to take friends with them in their car? If so, when and for what reasons? These are the kinds of decisions that are new when you start having a teenager. Things like dating rules and substance use.

Speaker 1: 38:26

These are also very critical for you to have some consistency at both homes as your child gets to be in their teenage years. So ultimately, I think it is extremely important, if you can, to have some consistency in your rules, your expectations and your discipline in both homes. Consistency is very important, but flexibility is also going to be necessary. I mean, especially as your child gets older, becomes a teenager and starts asserting their independence. It's important to work together with your co-parent to collaborate with them, but allow space for your kid to make some age-appropriate decisions. This is going to require some open communication.

Speaker 1: 39:07

If you don't have the type of co-parenting relationship that's going to allow you to maximize consistency between the two homes and you're sort of falling back into a parallel parenting plan B situation, it's still important to focus on some key ideas for the safety of your child. If you go back through the list that we've discussed at the various stages, you'll see that some of these are really non-negotiable. Some of them are just straight-up safety issues that should be no-brainers for agreement between both homes, even in terms of clothing or what they watch. That's where you're going to find more differentiation in a parallel parenting situation. All right, everybody, Thank you so much for participating with me in this series. I may have another entry in the series, I may not I'm not quite sure but nevertheless I will be back next week with another episode. Thank you, and I hope you have a fantastic week.