Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome everybody. Today we are going to start integrating the information that we've talked about in the last several weeks. Last week we talked about some of the challenges and why parenting suffers during the first year after separation. So let's talk about some tools how to parent better, taking into consideration the materials that we have learned over the last several weeks.

Speaker 1: 0:22

If you're currently going through the first year after separation, or if you've recently come out of it, you readily remember or currently know that emotions are pretty much running high for everybody for you, for your kids, especially, especially for your kids. The world for them has just changed dramatically and right now they're struggling with feelings that they can't possibly understand, much less know how to express appropriately, and because of that, behavior can be all over the place. Also, because of all of the complications in your life right now, discipline can feel like just a complete minefield. I mean, you're balancing your own emotions, you're balancing your kid's needs. The last thing that you want to do is harm your kid. Last thing you want to do is cause more stress for everybody. But here's the thing Discipline doesn't have to be about punishment. It doesn't have to be about control. We've learned that discipline more properly is a way to teach, nurture and connect with your kid, all while helping them find how to orient themselves better in this new family dynamic. So that's our focus today. Let's talk about how you can approach discipline in a way that supports your child emotionally and encourages healthier behavior from them and really from yourself, even during this time, which is really challenging.

Speaker 1: 1:42

So, as we talked about last week, the first year after a divorce or separation is very often the hardest, and we also learned that it's not just the first year after a divorce or separation, it's the first year after any sort of big change that simulates the kind of turbulence that you can experience in the first year after a divorce or separation. So for kids, it's a time of uncertainty, it's a time of emotional upheaval. If they knew security and I hope they did in their world before that security is now shaken and they're not going to understand why, depending on their age, this lack of security, this tumult, this lack of understanding, can manifest in all sorts of behavioral issues. You can see tantrums, defiance, withdrawal. You can see your child regress, things like potty training, for example. It's important to recognize that much of this behavior could just be a reflection of their emotional state, and you should definitely not think of it as deliberate defiance or disobedience. One of the most common mistakes that parents frequently make during this kind of time is to react to their kid's behavior without really understanding the underlying emotional causes. Kids may act out because they feel scared or confused, they could be angry, they can just be sad. Instead of viewing their behavior as a problem to fix, try to see it as an opportunity to understand your child better and to guide your child through their emotional struggles.

Speaker 1: 3:17

We talked about no drama discipline, and that book offered a lot of helpful insight. One of the focuses of that book was shifting your concept of discipline from punishment to teaching. Instead of trying to control your child's behavior, the aim really is to help your child develop the skills that they need to manage their own emotions and actions. This approach is really valuable in this first year after separation, when kids are already feeling emotionally overwhelmed. So remember, part of why your child may be acting out is because of how the brain works. You know they talked in that book no Drama Discipline about two primary regions of the brain and they refer to them as the upstairs brain and the downstairs brain.

Speaker 1: 3:58

The downstairs brain is your lizard brain. It's responsible for basic survival instincts and emotional reactions. Things like fight or flight freeze faint responses. It's where your emotions, like anger and fear and frustration, live. And when a child feels stressed or scared, especially in the wake of some major life change like a separation, their downstairs brain can just automatically take over, leading to impulsive or emotionally driven behaviors. Now, depending on their age, they don't have much option anyway. The upstairs brain is where logical thinking, problem solving and emotional regulation happen. This part of the brain is still developing in children, meaning that they're going to struggle to control their emotional responses anyway. But especially when they're overwhelmed, they're really going to struggle. They're often not going to have a great chance of success. The key to effective discipline is to help your child engage their upstairs brain. But they can really only engage that problem-solving, logical thinking, emotional regulation center of their brain when they themselves have calmed down and feel safe. One of the most important things that you can do when your child is misbehaving is to actually check in with yourself first.

Speaker 1: 5:14

Remember, separation is hard for you too. You're likely dealing with your own emotional fallout, and that could be stress or guilt. It could be frustration. You could feel resentful towards your ex-partner or other family members, and if you react to your child's behavior while you're feeling emotionally ramped up, it's very easy to escalate the situation. Remember, you're a big scary person. When you're angry, your child is focused on your body language, on your facial expressions, on your tone of voice, and if they sense danger, they're not going to calm down. If they think you're angry, that's danger to them. So you have to regulate yourself. You know, during this time period it's going to be really common for you to feel just kind of a heightened sense of vulnerability. You're probably already on edge. You're trying to manage just a million different things all at once and you're thinking to yourself the last thing I need is for this kid to be pushing these buttons and you kind of feel like maybe they're doing it on purpose. That gets you even more frustrated. Problem is, if you respond with anger or frustration, you're very likely going to trigger their dandruff brain and that's just going to lead to more misbehavior. It's going to lead to more acting out and responding from that lizard brain of theirs. So instead, take a moment to breathe and center yourself, calm yourself down before you address the situation. If you engage your observed brain, that ability to regulate your own emotions can help model emotional control for your child too, and it sets the tone for a more constructive conversation. You're the leader. You need to calm yourself down first and then you can help you lead your child to a more productive zone of emotional regulation.

Speaker 1: 7:01

One of the things they talked about in the no Drama Discipline book was this idea of shark music. Those were emotional triggers or past experiences that can make you react strongly to some behavior. So after a separation, your shark music might include feelings of that guilt or anger that we talked about. It can include fear about how the separation is going to affect your child. For example, let's say that you've been feeling guilty about the breakup. I mean, who knows, maybe you did something to cause it and you're completely at fault and you should feel guilty, possibly right. Maybe you were legitimately feeling guilty. You might overcompensate by being overly permissive. You may like avoid setting firm boundaries. Or maybe you're feeling resentful towards your ex. Maybe they actually were the complete cause of the separation. That might trigger you to act more harshly when your child expresses a sincere preference for spending time with them. To you, your ex-partner, their parent, may be a despicable human being, but it's their parent and they're going to want to see them that can trigger you. So to manage these emotional triggers, start by becoming more aware of when your own shark music is playing.

Speaker 1: 8:14

When you're feeling a surge of anger or guilt or anxiety that is triggered for some reason by your child's behavior, just pause and reflect for a second. Ask yourself, you know, is this really about my child's actions or is this about how I'm feeling in the moment? Recognizing your own emotional patterns can help you respond more thoughtfully instead of just reacting from a place of being emotionally overwhelmed. Next is to remember emotional connection. You have to connect first. So after separation, there's lots of folks feeling disconnected. You're feeling disconnected. Your children often will feel disconnected. They can feel torn between you and the other parent. They can be confused about their living situation. They're going to be uncertain about what their future is going to be. This is all fueling a sense of emotional unease, a sense of disconnection that can lead to feelings of insecurity. It can cause them to act out in ways that are unfamiliar to you and may seem pretty extreme.

Speaker 1: 9:13

So before diving into discipline, the first thing that you should do is to reconnect emotionally with your child. This is especially important during the first year, when their sense of stability has already been disrupted. If you skip this step, then your efforts to correct their behavior are going to fall flat because your child doesn't feel understood. So how do you do that? How do you connect emotionally? Start off by acknowledging their feelings. So let's say that you know your kids are in a tantrum because they don't want to go to the other parent's house. Try saying something. Like you know, I can see that you're upset about going back to your mom's house. It's okay to feel that way. This shows your child that you're tuned into their emotions and it's okay to express those feelings, even if their behavior needs adjustment. So you're not going to end it at it's okay to feel that way. You're going to progress, helping them understand that they're going to be going to the other parent's house unless there's some legitimate source of danger there.

Speaker 1: 10:07

So by validating their emotions first and by helping them label how they feel, you're giving them space to feel understood. That can help them calm down. That can help engage the upstairs brain. When you label the emotion, that act itself helping them put a word to how they feel, that itself is going to trigger their upstairs brain and it's going to help regulate their emotion, because some of that control from the downstairs brain has been taken away. The very act of putting words to the feeling reduces some of their emotional dysregulation. Once you've reduced their overwhelming emotions, that opens the door for you to start trying to problem solve with that okay.

Speaker 1: 10:49

So once you've connected emotionally with your child, the next step is to set clear, consistent boundaries. So it's important to remember that boundaries are not about controlling your child. It's not about punishing them. It's about teaching your child what behavior is acceptable and helping them to learn to manage their emotions in a healthy way. So let's go back to this example that the child didn't want to go to the other parent's house and you said you know, I can see that you're upset about going back to mom's house. It's okay to feel that way. You need to follow that up by saying but your mother loves you very much and you love her, and it's going to be wonderful for you two to spend time together. You're going to have a great time and I'm going to see you very soon.

Speaker 1: 11:33

This approach combines empathy with some structure. It allows your child to understand that rules exist for a reason, not just because you're the boss. They need to see their mother because it's good for them. They love their mother and you're giving them permission to express that love. At the same time, your child still may feel kind of out of control, and so it's helpful to offer choices. This gives your child back some sense of control. So if you're getting ready to go to mom's house and you're picking clothes for them to wear, you might give them an option about what clothes they want to wear. Do they want to wear their red shirt or their blue shirt? You might say we need to leave soon for mom's house to wear their red shirt or their blue shirt. You might say we need to leave soon for mom's house and we need to get you dressed. Would you prefer to wear your blue shirt or your red shirt today? So giving options within a boundary they're going to mom's house will help your child feel empowered, giving them some choice while still guiding them toward the behavior that you want for them, that you expect them to show.

Speaker 1: 12:30

Next is consistency across both homes. This is one of the toughest things, especially in the beginning of co-parenting, and that's maintaining consistent discipline between both households. Children really do crave structure. They really do crave predictability. After separation they experience something different. They experience different rules, different routines, different expectations in each parent's house and that difference can create confusion and it can lead to acting out, especially in that first year when they're starting to adjust to a new way of life. Now you can't control what happens in your co-parent's house, but it's really important to communicate with your co-parent and to try to get alignment on some key rules and some key boundaries where possible, even if your co-parent has a different parenting style.

Speaker 1: 13:17

If you can reach some agreement on major areas like bedtimes, screen time, other acceptable behaviors that can provide your child with the consistency that they need to feel secure. So sometimes that's not possible. They need to feel secure. So sometimes that's not possible. Sometimes, and especially in this first year, you're going to have a real hard time trying to get any cooperation on rules between two households. That's not ideal, but you can do your part anyway If you know how the other parent is managing things in their house and it's not a deal breaker how they're doing it, like maybe you wouldn't have the exact same bedtime, maybe it's a half hour difference, but it's really not going to hurt anybody and you can create some consistency between both homes. Why not you change your own room to match what they're doing? No, why not you make the move to let your child have some consistency?

Speaker 1: 14:09

Little things like that are not going to kill you. Your child has some consistency. Little things like that are not going to kill you and they're going to help your child. You don't always have to have cooperation to get some consistency. And if communication with a good parent is difficult, keep that. Focus on your own home. If there is a difference in rules that you can't bridge yourself, explain to your child that the rules might differ between the two homes, but in your home these are the behaviors that are expected, and it's also important to try to be consistent with consequences, even just in your own home. If your child breaks a rule, remind them very calmly of the boundary and what the consequence is, especially if it's a consequence that you've discussed in the past. You're going to be consistent in how you apply it. This predictability helps reduce your child's anxiety, especially during a time of upheaval.

Speaker 1: 14:55

So remember, in all relationships some level of conflict is pretty much inevitable, and especially during this period of transition, there's going to be conflict. What's important is not avoiding conflict altogether. Conflict can be very productive, it's very educational and it can help forge stronger relationships if done appropriately. So it's not the conflict and it's not avoiding conflict. It's how you repair the relationship. Children need to know that even when they must behave which they will you're going to love them anyway and that your connection with them and they with you is going to remain strong. Remember this is really important, especially after separation, when they might feel a sense of loss. They may feel rejected, maybe by the other parent.

Speaker 1: 15:47

It's important to remind them that your connection with them is unwavering. Depending on their age, they may understand that you had a connection with your spouse or your ex and now you're disconnected. They may think to themselves you know, oh no, that might happen to me too. You know they're not in a relationship anymore. What if I'm not going to be in a relationship with them anymore? That's a scary thing for a kid. You're everything to them. So reminding them that that connection with you is impenetrable, it's never going to go away, that's really key.

Speaker 1: 16:19

So after any conflict, take time to reconnect with your child. You can say something and of course, always depending on their age something like you know, we had a hard time earlier, but I'm so proud of how we worked through it together. I love you so much and we're going to keep figuring this out. It's going to be okay. I'm always going to love you. I'm always going to be here. This out, it's going to be okay. I'm always going to love you. I'm always going to be here for you. This helps your child to understand that mistakes don't define the relationship, that conflict doesn't mean that their bond with you is broken, and repairing the relationship after conflict between the two of you teaches them an important lesson that it's okay to have disagreements and that relationships can survive difficult moments, even if their parents' relationship apparently didn't. This can be very reassuring for children who fear that your separation from the other parent means that their other relationships are at risk too.

Speaker 1: 17:13

Also, please try to remember that children's behavior is very often just the tip of the iceberg. What you see on the surface the tantrums, defiance, withdrawal, things like that that's just a small part of the picture. Beneath the surface, there very often can be deeper emotions that are driving the behaviors, especially during this turbulent time of separation. Children can act out because they feel torn between two parents. They're confused about their living situation. They're worried about what the future holds for them. Depending on their age, they may not even have words to express these feelings, and so their emotions come out in their behavior. So, instead of focusing solely on correcting the behavior, try to understand and help them deal with the emotions beneath the surface. Here's an example If your child is refusing to go to your co-parent's house, the issue may not be about the visit itself. It could be about feeling abandoned or feeling uncertain about the strength of the relationships. Taking time to explore the deeper emotions here can help you better understand your child's behavior and respond in a way that is more supportive of their emotional well-being.

Speaker 1: 18:26

All right to wrap up, discipline, especially in this first year after separation or other big life change, requires a shift in perspective. Instead of seeing misbehavior as something that you've got to control and stamp out, view it as an opportunity to learn more about your child, to teach, to connect, to guide your child, to make your relationship with them even stronger. By calming yourself down first, by quieting your own shark music, by focusing on emotional regulation, setting consistent boundaries, managing emotional triggers, you can help yourself and your child navigate this really difficult time with more resilience. This is an approach that won't only lead to better behavior from your child and from you, probably but will also strengthen the parent-child relationship between the two of you at a time when your child needs it most.

Speaker 1: 19:16

So, for the last time in this podcast, I know I've said a lot. So, for the last time in this podcast, I know I've said a lot. Remember that discipline is really not about punishment. It's less about enforcing rules. It's more about building emotional skills that are going to serve your child just long after this time has passed. Thank you. Next week we'll come back and we're going to build more on some of these topics that we've touched on today. I hope you have a fantastic week and we'll see you next time.