Speaker 1: 0:00

Hey there everyone. In this episode we're going to do a deep dive into the book Parenting with Love and Logic. A few comments about the book before we get into the details of their parenting advice. First, there are Christian quotes and references that occur throughout the book. If you're a Christian, that's a bonus for you. If you're not, don't worry, you can completely disregard those references and you'll still get a lot out of this book. You can completely disregard those references and you'll still get a lot out of this book.

Speaker 1: 0:30

Second, I have some concerns that some parents could take the methods detailed in this book and run with them, to the detriment of their parenting and their children. Please, please, keep the emphasis on love and empathy. The whole point of the book is to help your child learn and grow by experiencing the natural and logical consequences of their actions in small ways on a routine basis, so that they can avoid the pain of having to learn big lessons with large negative consequences later. If you hear this advice and are super excited about how you're going to make your child experience these lessons, rather than feeling empathy for your child for needing to go through this growth process of mistakes and consequences, then this approach probably isn't for you. You would do better to work on your empathy for your children before you focus on the tools in this book. With all that said, I think there's a ton of wisdom in this book. The focus is on the power of offering choices, setting firm boundaries, and how these approaches can prevent, control battles and promote a healthy parent-child relationship.

Speaker 1: 1:29

First, what is the best way to offer choices to your child? When offering choices to your child, present only those options you're comfortable with. This ensures that, no matter what your child chooses, you'll be satisfied with the outcome. For example, if you're offering a choice between shorts or pants, make sure both options are appropriate. Next, allow children to experience the consequences of their choices. Letting children face the natural consequences of their decisions is a powerful teaching tool. It helps them understand responsibility and the impact of their actions. For example, if they choose not to wear a coat on a chilly day, they may feel cold, which teaches them to dress appropriately.

Speaker 1: 2:10

Next time. You may be wondering about how to keep your child safe while giving them choices. Safety always comes first. When a child's safety is at risk, it's not the time for choices. Be clear and firm about what needs to happen to keep them safe. For example, there's no choice when it comes to a small child holding hands near a busy street. Next, remember that what you're really doing is offering two explicit choices with an implied third option. When giving choices, provide two clear options, but also include an implied third option that you, the parent, will decide if the child doesn't. This encourages children to make a choice, knowing you will if they won't. For example, your child needs to understand that if you ask the question would you like to clean your room before or after dinner, then the implied third option you're giving is if you don't decide, I'll make the decision for you.

Speaker 1: 3:06

The way choices are presented matters. Thinking words encourage cooperation and respect. Fighting words can lead to power struggles. For example, instead of saying harshly in frustration, stop playing and do your homework now, you would ask something like would you like to start your homework now or in 10 minutes, using a calm and caring voice. Here's why it's helpful to offer choices. When you offer choices, you help your child to think critically and understand the consequences of their decisions. When children make their own choices, they're less likely to feel controlled and then try to resist that control. Trusting children to make decisions shows that you believe in their ability to think for themselves, which boosts their self-confidence and can help improve your relationship with them.

Speaker 1: 3:55

Many parents make the mistake of getting into control contests with their kids. It's important to avoid control battles whenever possible. These battles can really put a strain on your relationship with your child. Instead, focus on areas where you are willing to let go and let your child have a say. If you use this approach, you can reduce tension and start to build some mutual respect. If you do mess up and find yourself in a control battle, you've got to win it. But remember, not every issue is worth the conflict and sometimes it's better to avoid the battle in a way that doesn't unhelpfully empower your child to pick more control fights in the future. If you really mess up by not only getting into battles for control but also losing them, you're probably getting wrapped up in unnecessary conflict. Do a better job of thinking before you react in a way that leads to a control battle and deciding whether the conflict is worth it. Remember it's important to avoid control battles whenever possible. Giving children control within established boundaries helps avoid conflicts. It's a way for you to offer your child more freedom while maintaining necessary limits. You'll probably find that the more control you give away within the boundaries you yourself set, the more cooperative and respectful your child will become.

Speaker 1: 5:08

Now we're going to move on to talking about how to set boundaries for your kids and why they matter. First, set boundaries through enforceable thinking words. Thinking words. Set clear, enforceable boundaries in a positive way. Here's an example when responding to your child's request with which you don't agree, replace no with yes as soon as this turns a potentially negative interaction into a positive one. For example, you can say yes, you can play outside as soon as you've finished your homework. Next, it's important to set boundaries for your child because children need firm limits to feel secure and respected. By setting boundaries through choices rather than direct orders, children learn to understand and respect the rules.

Speaker 1: 5:56

Misbehavior can often indicate unmet needs or a lack of clear boundaries. Passive-aggressive behavior or resistance can occur when children are unsure of the limits or feel controlled. Setting reasonable, developmentally appropriate boundaries in a loving way makes children feel more secure and respected and gives children an opportunity to think for themselves and learn from their mistakes. This brings us back to the subject of our last episode, which was about parenting types. Like we talked about last time, a helicopter parent swoops in and tries to solve every problem for their child. There aren't good, well-defined boundaries in place and the child never benefits from having to solve their own problems or learning from their mistakes. If you recall, the best parenting style is the authoritative or consultant parent. This type of parent establishes clear boundaries in a loving way and allows their child to grow and learn from their mistakes.

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The question becomes how do you do that? You lead with empathy when your child makes a mistake and suffers the consequences. It is incredibly important that you respond to your child with empathy rather than judgment, sarcasm or anger. Empathy helps children understand the real-world consequences of their actions without causing them to feel resentment toward you. You're not punishing them. You're just not rescuing them from the consequence of their own poor decision. When you communicate with a child suffering the consequences of their actions, lead with sadness for them and understanding. Stay supportive, but don't rescue them from the natural consequences of their poor decision.

Speaker 1: 7:30

Natural consequences help children learn responsibility. You want your child to learn responsibility, so don't protect your child from the non-dangerous consequences of their actions. Here are some examples If your child misses a fun activity because they got up late or took their time getting ready, they'll learn it's important to be on time. If they lose their phone because they weren't being careful, then they'll learn it's important to be careful. Replacing the phone for them gives them a phone, but that's the easy way out and it robs them of the lesson they could have learned, which is way more valuable to them. Since the premise of this parenting strategy is to permit children to learn from the natural and logical consequences of their actions, let's spend a couple of minutes distinguishing between natural consequences and imposed consequences.

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Imposed consequences and natural consequences are two different types of disciplinary measures used to teach children responsibility and decision-making skills. Natural consequences occur as a direct result of a child's actions, without any intervention from parents. These consequences are not imposed by the parent, but happen naturally. Here are some examples of natural consequences If a child forgets to wear a coat on a cold day, they will naturally feel cold. If a child leaves their toys outside and it rains, the toys may get wet or damaged. If a child refuses to eat dinner, they will naturally feel hungry later.

Speaker 1: 9:00

Imposed consequences are those set by parents in response to a child's behavior. These are deliberate actions taken by the parent to teach the child about the consequences of their choices. Here are some examples of their choices. Here are some examples of imposed consequences. If a child repeatedly comes home late from playing with friends, the parent may impose an earlier curfew for a week. If a child does not complete their homework, they may lose screen time or access to video games. If a child breaks a household rule, such as using inappropriate language, the parent may assign extra chores as a consequence, with both natural and imposed consequences. The goal is to help children learn from their experiences, understand the impact of their choices and develop better decision-making skills. The key difference is that natural consequences happen without parental intervention, while imposed consequences are structured and enforced by parents. Hopefully, at this point, you can see the difference between punishment and allowing a child to experience the natural consequences of their actions.

Speaker 1: 10:06

Imposing punishment on children is not as helpful because it can create resentment and does not encourage your child to engage in self-reflection. Instead of letting your child understand the impact of their own actions, you shift your child's focus to what they perceive you to have done to them. They get caught up in thinking you're being unfair for punishing them and stop thinking about what they should have done differently. Here are some mistakes parents make when implementing a love and logic strategy. First, they express insincere empathy. Genuine empathy is absolutely imperative. You have to avoid sarcastic or cold responses. Remember that your child is remarkably attuned to your emotional states. As a matter of self-preservation, if your supposed empathy is thinly veiled, sarcasm or smugness, they'll figure it out sooner or later, which will undermine the love.

Speaker 1: 10:56

Part of parenting with love and logic, part of the benefit of this parenting strategy is that you are modeling for your child's self-control, responsibility and respect. Acting in an insincere or disrespectful manner is contrary to the core premise of this parenting approach. Second, consequences should not be used as threats. The consequences children experience should be what occurs naturally from their decisions, not something you threaten them with in advance. If you find yourself in a situation where you need to impose consequences, make sure that they are logical and related to the decision the child made. Third, give proper thought to the choices you're offering your child. Only offer choices that are genuine and acceptable to both of you. Avoid giving false choices or choices in which both options are negative.

Speaker 1: 11:48

Fourth, if you decide to try this parenting strategy, do so very gradually, depending on how you've parented before. This could be a big change for both you and your child. Take your time and start small. Recruit friends or family whose parenting you respect. To help you practice and rehearse responses to the various scenarios in which you may find yourself. To help you practice and rehearse responses to the various scenarios in which you may find yourself as you start to implement these changes. Expect resistance from your child as they test the new boundaries. Be consistent as you apply these principles and remain firm in enforcing the boundaries while also modeling self-control, responsibility and respect for your child.

Speaker 1: 12:24

If you find this parenting style interesting, I encourage you to purchase the book Parenting with Love and Logic to learn more about it and to see many examples of each concept. As we continue in this series, we'll apply these concepts and the remaining parenting strategies to the context of parenting in two homes after separation. Thank you very much for listening. I hope you have a fantastic week. Next week we'll discuss the book how to Talk so Kids Will Listen and how to Listen so Kids Will Talk.