Speaker 1 0:00

Good morning everybody . In a departure from our regular programming , we're going to have a Father's Day message today . It's on a different day than normal . Normally we have our episodes released on Monday , but we're going to release this one so that it is available in time for Father's Day . So , although this episode is called Father's Day , it's not just for dads . I'm going to split this episode into two parts . First I'm going to talk to the dads out there and then I'm going to talk to the moms .

Speaker 1 0:27

So , dads , let's start with the worst case scenario you're not going to see your kids this year for father's day . This could be the case for one of several reasons . I mean , your ex may have filed some exaggerated or otherwise false allegations against you and you're under an emergency order . You could have messed up to a sufficient degree that the court justifiably answered an emergency order against you . You may not have had the chance yet to get a custody or visitation order in place and your ex is keeping you from seeing your kid . Let's go a step further and say that not only can you not see your kid today , but your ex has someone else playing dad to your child in your absence . That's a total punch in the gut . She may have scheduled the kids to be at a summer camp this weekend without even asking you first and then got your kids all excited about it , so there was no way you could say anything without sounding like a jerk . It could be any number of things , some of which are not on you at all and some of which are completely your fault .

Speaker 1 1:22

If you're in this position , what do you do ? Well , here are some suggestions . First , honor the other fathers in your life . It could be your father , your uncle , your brother , your friend , whoever it is . Let them know that you honor them . Do it in a way that doesn't make them feel bad for you , because you don't want to ruin their day . Honor yourself . Spend some time thinking about what you've done well this year as a dad . Take a minute to remember the good times you've had with your kids this year and assuming that you've had some Remember what that felt like , and let that joy sustain you today .

Speaker 1 1:52

Think about why you aren't seeing your kids this year for Father's Day . Is the cost something within your control ? Is it something you can fix before next Father's Day ? If so , spend some time visualizing what you need to do to get where you want to be . Break it down to the smallest steps possible and take the first step today . That's a Father's Day gift to yourself . It's okay to spend some time feeling sorry for yourself , but don't make a meal out of it . Experience the feeling , cry if it helps , but then get to work .

Speaker 1 2:21

Do not complain to your ex . Don't be reactive and say or do something that will wind up hurting you later , maybe making it hard for you to see the kids next year . If she's intentionally keeping the kids from you on Father's Day and you're not a safety threat to the kids , then she's just plain nasty and she will only feel happy about your pain . If it's your own fault that you're not seeing your child this year , then don't complain to her about it , because it's not her fault , it's yours . Don't make your child feel bad for not seeing you or celebrating you . It's not on them . Kids , especially young kids . They don't want to see their father upset . It weirds them out , makes them feel uncomfortable . Share your pain with an adult you trust , never with your child .

Speaker 1 3:03

Now let's go to the other end of the spectrum . Let's say that your children are with you for Father's Day . That's fantastic . Every family has their own traditions . Here are some cheap-seat thoughts of mine about how to help your children experience Father's Day in a meaningful way . The first one is don't make it about you . Don't expect your child to get you a gift or even remember that it's Father's Day . Especially for young kids , that's probably not going to happen unless their mother is helping them prepare to celebrate you . If she's doing that , you've got a terrific co-parent .

Speaker 1 3:36

A good way to help your children understand what Father's Day means is to see you honoring other fathers . You know , do something special with them to celebrate their grandfathers . If you have enough of a relationship to allow it , have them at least call both of their grandfathers to say Happy Father's Day to them . If you can take them to see your father , that's great . In celebrating him , they'll eventually learn to celebrate you . My father died last year and my grandfather's died long ago . I'll be spending Father's Day with my father-in-law and my wife's grandfather . Although I joke about going to my in-laws as my Father's Day present , I actually do enjoy celebrating other fathers on Father's Day , and this will be the first year that I can't talk with my own father , so I'm actually looking forward to celebrating my father-in-law and all the great things that he's done for me and my family . Take the day to do things with your kids that you both love . Make Father's Day an amazing day for them , and it'll be something they look forward to every year . What I've found is that if Father's Day is all about you , it's not nearly as meaningful to you . Make it about the ones you love as well , and the benefit that you're going to receive is far greater . Okay , so now I'd like to talk to the moms for a few minutes .

Speaker 1 4:45

I know some of you hate your children's father and tend to simmer in that hatred . If that's you , this section is for you Now . You may think that your ex is a narcissist and you know what he may have been controlling during your relationship . He may even have been abusive . None of that really matters for Father's Day . If your children have any relationship with their father , it's important that you help them celebrate him on Father's Day . Remember it's not about you , it's not even really about him . It's about helping your children build their relationship with their father . That's something that they need . Celebrating him on Father's Day is one way to help your children have a relationship that will be helpful for them in the future .

Speaker 1 5:27

If you're remarried or in a relationship with someone , please do not cast that person in the role of dad . That's confusing to the kids and creates a loyalty conflict for them . You can celebrate your partner all you want and make the day special for them , to thank them for all they do for your children , but that person , no matter how great he is , is not your kid's father . I've known some mothers who go out of their way to speak negatively about their kid's dad on Father's Day . They force their kid to celebrate the stepfather or the boyfriend . Ultimately , that's making the day about you . It's satisfying your own need to hurt your ex and to try to butter up the new person in your life . Please do not think that your motivations are anything but transparent and worrying to the man that you're with now and please understand that your children may come to resent your behavior .

Speaker 1 6:16

For the mothers out there who leave the past in the past and who do the right thing , father's Day is your opportunity to show your children that it's safe for them to love both their parents openly .

Speaker 1 6:27

When you celebrate your ex leading up to Father's Day , it shows your children that you have a good heart and you care about them .

Speaker 1 6:34

They will come to appreciate that you celebrated someone you chose not to live with . That's an amazing gift to give your kids the freedom to celebrate their father openly . Talk with them about good times you shared together , show them pictures or videos of fun trips or events where their father was at his best . Help them make or buy a Father's Day present so that they can experience the joy of doing something kind for their dad . None of these things are necessarily for your ex's benefit , although he will benefit If he has any decency in him . He'll thank you profusely for helping the children celebrate the relationship with him . Ultimately , though , these efforts that you make for Father's Day are a gift you give your kids , and thank you for me so much for doing it . No matter where you are or who you're with , I hope you have the absolute best Father's Day possible . Thank you for listening to this very short message , and I'll talk with you again soon .