Speaker 1 0:00

Welcome everybody . Today is my first solo Co-Parenting Academy podcast and I have to admit I'm a little nervous . Having Linda here has been just phenomenal for me in terms of my confidence and also the information that she provides , and so it's a little daunting to think about going forward without her on a routine basis , although I know that we'll have her from time to time . Although I know that we'll have her from time to time . I previously promised that I would let you know by June 3rd , 2024 , which , if you're listening from the future , that is what today is . As this is being published , I promised that I would let you know what my thoughts were going forward with the podcast . I'm not trying to be too precious about it . It isn't like this is a podcast that millions of people listen to . I get that but it is important to me and I think it provides important information for families as well . So I do want to try to keep it going and we'll see how it works . Hopefully you still find benefit from it . These next several weeks . I'm going to continue what Linda and I started , which is to provide some of the material that we have in the required four-hour course that we are debuting next month at the Oklahoma Bar Association annual meeting . After that , my plan is to take some materials that I find helpful for me and to go through them with you to sort of break down what I thought was extremely helpful in them , some lessons that I learned from them . It may be some things that you expect , it may be unexpected , but it all will relate to co -parenting .

Speaker 1 1:33

The first topic that I intend to cover after we finish up with this additional material from the four-hour course is effective discipline . This is a huge topic for lots of different reasons . One reason is that when you have the houses separate , each parent for the first time in a while , is being responsible for the discipline in their own home . You may have adapted to your partner's discipline style because it was easier to go along , to get along . You may not have , you may expect your partner to continue with the kind of discipline that they used in the home when you were together and that may not be a reasonable expectation for you to have . So there's a lot of conflict that arises , especially at the beginning of the separation stage , depending on the developmental stage , especially when we're talking about discipline . Also , we know that parents right after the separation , for even up to the first year or so , can have sort of their worst parenting that they will tend to have . They're just so overwhelmed and oftentimes the quality of discipline suffers . So we'll get into all of these issues and more as we go through a series on discipline . I'll bring in some materials that we can discuss , some books that have been helpful to me , so , for example , how to Talk so Kids Listen and how to Listen so Kids Talk , and some other materials as well .

Speaker 1 2:58

Today , continuing on with the four-hour course material , I'm going to talk about conflict management and dispute resolution . We have an entire course on this in our Co-Parenting Academy , so I'm just going to hit some highlights . The first thing to understand is that conflict is not inherently bad . The word has a bad ring to it just because of how we think about conflict , but really , if you practice effective conflict management , conflict can be incredibly productive . It can let your co-parent know what it is that is concerning you , something that you're unhappy with .

Speaker 1 3:35

There's a quote I really like . It says that unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments . That's often what we're dealing with with co-parenting conflict . Now for sure , there are some disagreements that you just can't get past . You may have some definitive positions on things that may be moral , religious , just different ways of viewing the world , and the two views will never really be able to work together well . It may be part of the reason why the divorce or the separation occurred in the first place . So this is not a Pollyanna view that all conflicts can be resolved through effective conflict management , that nothing will ever have to be litigated . That's not what I'm saying at all . What I am saying is we can reduce litigation , we can reduce resentment , we can reduce difficulty fighting that happens in front of the children or within the children's perception by having better conflict management .

Speaker 1 4:36

The most efficient way to resolve disagreements early is to actually avoid them in the first place . One of the best ways to do that is to establish appropriate boundaries , just really right from the start . And that gets back to this quote that unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments . Establishing boundaries is this process of setting up really clear guidelines , setting up rules expressing your expectations so that everyone knows you're not sitting there resenting that your co-parent did this certain thing that you never told them , you didn't want them to do . You may have spent your entire relationship sort of eating your frustration at their behavior and it may be this one certain thing and because you never told them , you never actually dealt with it , they never actually knew that this was something that was really frustrating to you , even if you think that they should have known . So the first step in proper conflict management is discussing and setting effective boundaries . All right , these boundaries are going to help you manage expectations , going to help reduce conflict , going to help have more cooperative and respectful co-parenting . You both need to feel heard , you both need to be understood , and the work of setting boundaries , while sometimes uncomfortable , is the first step in trying to make that happen . Now you can use your absolute best efforts to set proper boundaries . Even so , life just happens . Sometimes minor misunderstandings can blow up into conflict , even if you both kind of had the best of intentions , but your ship's passing in the night when conflict actually does occur . This is the conflict management strategy that we recommend that you use .

Speaker 1 6:23

The first step is to figure out what's upsetting you and why . Sometimes you think you're upset or frustrated about this one particular thing , but it's not that . This may be a very minor issue that you're upset about . Maybe your co parents late for five or ten minutes . I know you're sitting at the exchange in a parking lot at a gas station for an extra five minutes . Is that really the end of the world ? Maybe it's going to make you late for some sort of concert or event or school function . Maybe it's going to make you late for work and that does have really serious implications for you , potentially , depending on what it is . But very often you're upset about waiting five minutes in the parking lot , not because of the five minutes . It's because of what the five minutes represents , of the five minutes . It's because of what the five minutes represents . So part of thinking about what's upsetting you and why is getting really to the heart of what you're upset about . Now , once you think you know what that is , do this next step ?

Speaker 1 7:16

The next step is to think about what else could be true . When you think about what else could be true , you're thinking to yourself well , they're five minutes late . My gut reaction is they just didn't care . They don't care about my time , they don't respect me , they're just laughing it up while I'm sitting here in the parking lot and they know I have to get somewhere . But maybe that's not what's true .

Speaker 1 7:39

What may be true is that maybe your child did something completely unexpected , as kids sometimes do , that made him five minutes late or her five minutes late . Maybe there's an accident , completely unavoidable accident . I mean . If you live in a place like we do here in the Tulsa County area , then traffic is pretty predictable . I mean , it's the rare circumstance where it doesn't take me 15 minutes door to door from my house to my office . I could do that 100 times , and 99 out of 100 times , maybe even 100 , given the distribution , I'm going to make it exactly the same time every time . So maybe there was some completely unexpected traffic incident . Maybe there was some unexpected car issue . There's a whole panoply of things , any of which could have been the reason why your co-parent was five minutes late , and none of which have anything to do with their lack of respect for you .

Speaker 1 8:38

So , as you go through the process of thinking , what else could be true really , what you're doing is you're giving yourself a reality check , making sure that you are properly assessing what you're bringing to the table your emotions , your underlying resentments , your biased view of the history of the relationship and you're also giving your co-parent the benefit of the doubt . Is it possible that they are just treating you with complete disrespect ? Yeah , and for some of the relationships that I know that you may have . It may be more than possible . It may be probable , but it's never certain . You may feel it's certain , but really it isn't . What else does giving your co-parent the benefit of the doubt do ? Well , it's actually good for you . When we show grace , when we show forgiveness to others , it actually has a positive physiological response in ourselves . We feel better . Our body rewards us physiologically for showing kindness and forgiveness to others . So the process of actually , in good faith , thinking about what else could be true will start to calm you down . Also , if you can carry that sense of grace that you're practicing and think about what else could be true into your initial communications with your co-parent about the situation , it may help de-escalate them .

Speaker 1 10:04

Imagine what they may be thinking . Let's assume that they're not evil . I know that many of us believe that our ex is a narcissist and that it just doesn't matter . They're going to do what they're going to do . They don't care about you . They don't have any legitimate feelings about the situation . Let's assume for the moment that that's not the case . Let's assume that your co-parent is sitting there thinking oh man , I'm running five minutes late . I know that my co-parent is going to be so frustrated they're going to be upset with me . They're going to think that I'm being disrespectful . I'm really not being disrespectful about it . It was a complete accident and now I know what I have to walk into .

Speaker 1 10:38

So now your co-parent who's late is building up defensiveness . If you start the conversation with them from a place of resentment , frustration and anger and they're at a place of defensiveness because they're anticipating what's coming , then what's the likelihood that that conflict is going to start off in a helpful way ? How's that conversation going to go ? Probably not as well as if you're coming at it from a position of grace . Now , should they be defensive ? Is that an appropriate response from them ? No , it's not . But they're not perfect and neither are you . So the goal is for you both to bring your A game , for your both to be as healthy and cooperative a co-parent as possible . So from your perspective , on your end of things , that means coming at them with some grace , having thought about what else might be true .

Speaker 1 11:38

You may find out that your first gut reaction was exactly right . Your co-parent may have been rude and inconsiderate , didn't care at all for your needs or for your feelings , and , assuming that your co-parent didn't let you know as soon as they found out that they were running late . They could have done a better job . For sure . That's not great . The preference would be for your co-parent to have built in extra time in case there was an issue and also to have let you know immediately if there's any hint of a delay . So they may already be doing a few things that you wish they would do better . That's why the next step is let's think about what you need , right ?

Speaker 1 12:16

The next step is to think about what you need . So what do you need in this case ? Do you need your co-parent to give you this statement that they respect you and that they really messed up because they were late , and do you want them to grovel an apology ? No , you hopefully don't want that . You want them to be on time next time . You want them to let you know . You want them to let you know as soon as possible if there is an issue Now , if you have tightness in your schedule that they don't know about , and if this has happened maybe more than once , you know if your co-parent has been late , maybe a couple times , then maybe what you say is you know , I know you don't know this , but my schedule is really tight on these pickups , on these transitions , and you've been late a couple of times and I understand that things happen .

Speaker 1 13:07

But what I'd like to do to give ourselves some cushion , you know , maybe , if I know I have to be somewhere 30 minutes after the transfer and it takes 30 minutes from the time of the transfer to get there . Maybe we need to move the transfer up 10 minutes . There are different possible solutions that you may come up with that would be able to meet your needs . So do the work in good faith of thinking what is it that I need , what would help me and my co-parent and , most importantly , my child in this situation ? And then state that to your co-parent , let them know , and when you let them know , make sure that you're not coming in too hot . You use the Gottman technique from John Gottman , from the Gottman Institute , of a soft startup . Make sure that you're not coming in hot and heavy , that you're not coming in with anger , frustration , disappointment in your voice or in your words . Do what you can to acknowledge the difficulty , to acknowledge their efforts and then to let them know what the restrictions are , that you're feeling and what you need .

Speaker 1 14:14

Once you let your co-parent know what you need , it's time to wait and for them to give you a timely response . Now remember they don't have to respond in a way that you like . It may not be the case that they feel that they can meet your need , even acting in good faith . If that's the case , it's time to consider their response and take action . Maybe there's an alternative that you can come up with . Maybe , depending on what the situation is . Maybe there is no good alternative . Maybe something structural needs to change and you can't agree with your co-parent , even in good faith , on what the change is .

Speaker 1 14:49

Then it's time to seek some help . Maybe a co-parenting counselor could assist . Maybe your relationship with your co-parent could be helped by using a parenting coordinator . So a parenting coordinator is an attorney or a therapist typically , who is authorized by the court to make decisions or recommendations within the bounds of the court order . They're typically not allowed to change the court order , but they are able to work with the parents and maybe make some changes to help things run a little bit more smoothly and maybe keep the case from being litigated again , and often a parenting coordinator isn't just going to make decisions or recommendations . They can help you potentially essentially mediate the situation and come up with some new possibilities . Ultimately , if none of that works , then you still have litigation as an option .

Speaker 1 15:33

But consider this If you have done everything within your power to communicate effectively , to follow this conflict management strategy , to act with grace , to have soft openers , to not throw out hatred , hostility , resentment in your tone or in your words , then when it does come to litigation , you're going to have the ability to demonstrate to the court that you've done everything you could on your side to be a good co-parent . If it turns out that your co-parent has not reciprocated their best efforts , then the court can see that as well , and if it comes to a decision of which one of these two people is acting in the children's best interest , then it's going to be you in that circumstance . So having this approach that we're discussing not only will tend to reduce negative conflict , it'll tend to promote positive boundaries , positive conflict . It'll reduce arguments , reduce hostility , it'll model for your children how to handle conflict and , if you have to go to litigation , it'll be your best evidence that you're in the right .

Speaker 1 16:45

So why practice effective conflict management ? Well , because it's best for everybody . It's best for you , your co-parent , your co-parenting relationship and , most importantly , it's good for your child . A child who sees their parents working together , even in times of difficulty , in a cooperative way , in their best interest , is going to feel a sense of security and safety , knowing that , no matter what comes up , both of my parents , even when they're in different households , are going to be working together for me , different households are going to be working together for me , and that's a great feeling for a child to have . Thank you everybody . I hope this information was helpful to you and I'll see you next week .