Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome everybody. Today we are going to talk about the short-term effects of separation on kids. Not necessarily a divorce, any parental separation, and there are just really so many of those potential negative effects on them.

Speaker 2: 0:16

Right and they have compared in so much research in-tact families and how children are doing as far as depression or anxiety or loneliness or school achievement and peer relationships and so forth, to children who are in the throes of the separation with their parents. And those children have such additional issues going on and one of the lines from the course is that they're mourning the loss of the family as they knew it and they're too young to fully understand or do anything to change that situation. And so many times children at various stages do a lot of thinking. They are big enough, strong enough, whatever enough to affect a change or, on the flip side of that, they think something they did do, like leave their bicycle out the night before, or something caused the separation.

Speaker 1: 1:14

So yeah, kids are going to internalize whatever it is that is going on, and they're going to make it about themselves because their view of the world is self-centric, like all of us, and they have, I think, less experience to be able to have the ability to get into other people's heads and think, okay, well, this is how they're probably thinking about it from their perspective, and so, because of that, they're just stuck with themselves as a center of the universe and that own perspective.

Speaker 2: 1:43

And I don't think too many people going through a separation even realize. I know with clients I've talked to through the years, even the adults don't realize that it is a mourning process, it is a grief process.

Speaker 1: 1:57

Yeah and we've talked about it in the past in relationship to introducing new romantic partners that everyone in that family unit is experiencing the mourning process not only in different ways, but in different starting points in time.

Speaker 2: 2:11

And in case you haven't heard that, that would be a great thing for you to check out in our compared Academy. But it's really, you know, it's like a. It's really is in very many ways like a death of the family, where, you know, some people knew that it was coming. They might have known that there was a terminal illness or something, and then the children might not have been alerted to that and perhaps with a separation, rightly so. They shouldn't have been responsible for the parental feelings about things. But it's, it is really difficult when so many times they didn't see it coming.

Speaker 1: 2:49

Yeah, we've used to analogy of a race before. So when these families are breaking up, you know the one of the parents presumably has been thinking about it longer than the other and it's like that person is the whole family is going to run a race, maybe a marathon, and that one parent who's been planning the divorce is been stretching. You know, they've been doing the couch to 5k like. They've been just working on it. All of a sudden the race starts when that parent says and no one else in the family maybe knew it was coming they weren't stretching, they hadn't cut out carbs, they haven't died, they haven't done whole 30. Like. So they're just going from couch to marathon when the other parent had a chance to really get themselves ready and everyone's thrown for a loop surprised, trying to deal with whatever guilt, anxiety is associated with it, and so the kids are left farther behind because they didn't even know if that race was possible.

Speaker 2: 3:46

Right. I saw a sign one time that I think applies to this stage of things and it just said make, do and mend. And that is how somebody is feeling at this immediate stage is just we're making do one day at a time. You know, just getting the kids to school is a lot of effort during that time. Sometimes it is anyway, but especially during that time just getting everybody to school and work is a lot.

Speaker 2: 4:12

And so many times it is frustrating for parents if a child is misbehaving during that stage because the parents feeling like they're on their last nerve as it is just trying to adult through the situation, and especially if they didn't realize it was coming and which is rather typical that one parent didn't and then all we need is the child to make things more difficult, what it feels like right then, and to misbehave. And so it's easy to think of punishing the behavior, the misbehavior, or losing our patience, our temper, even with the child at that point. But the child is needing something right then. And so when we talk about misbehavior being the sign of an unmet need, that's what we're talking about. It's a real, serious, viable need that the child is having. Sometimes it's as big as I want everything to change back. What are you, what are you grown ups, doing to my life, you know? And then, or sometimes it's as small as you know, okay, at this house, suddenly I don't have a cereal bowl and a spoon. I mean literally. I had kids tell me that.

Speaker 1: 5:31

Right, and I know I have my favorite cup. You know they'll like to get something in, and no kidding. Just little creature comforts that we all take for granted that all of a sudden are gone and not in their control whatsoever, exactly, and the parents, unless they have been conditioned to really be aware of the importance of those small things, just don't have time for it.

Speaker 2: 5:51

Right, it's, yeah, they may not be. Many times they're not even at the same comfort zone house that they were in with both parents. Now, suddenly, they may not be at that house with either parent. You know, and it's just, they're just thrown completely for a loop.

Speaker 1: 6:12

And this is where adults are kind of at their worst.

Speaker 1: 6:16

We've talked about this many times in the first year after a divorce or separation, the parents are probably going to be at their worst in terms of parenting. And so if we're trying to be really good parents and we're trying to come up with solutions because that's what parents we try to do come up with solutions then we may really miss the mark because we're not in our right minds, we don't have the patience we need, we're in a totally different mind space than our kids are, even more so than usual because our experiences at the events are so different, which is why parenting resource like talking, so kids will listen and listen, so kids will talk it will become really important because, instead of adults, instead of us parents trying to impose a solution on the children where we probably don't even really fully understand the problem, having a resource like that to help us let the children work through the problems for themselves and let them learn how to articulate what they need from us is one of the best things that we can do for them.

Speaker 2: 7:16

Right and don't be afraid, as a parent, to access some outside resources at that time. I think that's why it's important to let not in gory details, but just basic information to the school teacher or school counselor, if there is one that this might be a time, even where a child that's never gotten in trouble at school might get in trouble at school for something and their frustration is going to be coming out on. I know as a fourth grade teacher many years ago, if a kid came in that's ordinarily a really sweet, easy going kid and he's throwing his backpack against the wall and kicking the desk and stuff like that, you're like, ooh, okay, hmm, something's going on there. And so, instead of speaking to that child about their behavior, you're wanting to know what can I do to help and what's going on with you?

Speaker 1: 8:13

Yeah, not only is it sad and you don't have your parents to go to the way that you normally think you do. Also, I feel like kids always think that everyone knows what's happening in their life. Like a kid goes into school and I think everyone knows what's happening. This is so embarrassing. I'm so mad at my parents for putting me in this position, and so helping the teacher, like you said, understand that that's going on can help the teacher smooth that over in the classroom. But that's not the only impact. You have the academic impact, you have that emotional impact. What other kinds of impacts are these kids experiencing right away during the divorce and separation, when it first happens?

Speaker 2: 8:53

Well with their daily routine, as we've said, with their social network. Many times suddenly, especially if the friend's parents know that this is happening, they're not going to be as inclined to allow their child to go to that home where things are in upheaval. So frequently kids are very quickly placed in another school district or something. I mean they are literally jerked out of one school and put it in another school because of whatever situation, and so everything about their day-to-day operation is affected by that their friends or teachers, even what they are studying, literally. Because as a teacher once again I've seen kids come in that were either way ahead of or way behind where my class was on a particular part of their study, and it's especially in a subject like math, for example. They might totally missed a concept that we're doing that they didn't cover yet at the other school, and so it's. It really can throw a kid in so many ways.

Speaker 1: 10:09

And it's sort of at a time when they're not at their best in terms of making new connections. Oh, definitely not. Why is it? Why is it so hard for kids to be open to new friendships, new social connections, new romantic interests that come into the house at a time when they've had the separation what's? How are the impacted words harder for them to make those new relationships then?

Speaker 2: 10:33

Well, once again, you're mourning. You really are mourning the loss, and it's not going to make you feel better about losing a best friend or what. Are your parents not being in the household if, if a supposed substitute comes along? For that you know and you know, and the way human beings are made up, substituting is really not a way to do it. Some adults do that really quickly, you know. They frequently get online now to to find a new partner and for the short term, that really may be seeming to help because you can quit feeling so lonely or like like you're worthless or whatever. You're feeling, you know, not desirable or something, and then you, you suddenly feel desirable by by somebody, but it's. It's not really going to probably be a good long term fix, and definitely not with children. They, they tend to be more reclusive and withdrawn from peer relationships. Right then they, they may be wondering too many times I don't know how long this place is going to last, you know?

Speaker 1: 11:42

or do I make new friends and then somebody decides I'm going to a different school next week, you know right, yeah, it's so hard to get into a kid's headspace about what's going on at the time, because we can see, because we have more life experience, that there's some logical connections that go from point A to B to C, to D to E and we can project into the future.

Speaker 1: 12:05

But kids, they try to project but they don't have the context, so their projections are can be wildly off and their projections can be based on just fantastical hopes that they have of the parents getting back together or whatever else. And so when you, if you imagine yourself being thrust into a new place of work, if you're an adult, a new home around new people, cut off from people that you depended on to give you support in the past, and then you're asked to project what's going to happen in the future for you so that you can feel comfortable with what's going to happen, even as an adult, you would say, well, how am I supposed to know? Right, clearly I'm not the one making the decisions. Add on to that being a child with a child's understanding of the world, and it just shows you how impossible it is for them to feel safe and secure unless the adults really make a concerted effort to work together to let that happen.

Speaker 2: 13:02

And they're not probably on the right wavelength to do that at this point. This is kind of the worst point for that. The other thing is there are so many different stages in a separation that this is one of the worst stages too for everybody. And I think kids have a real fear of rejection when they're going into a new situation. You know, once again, as a teacher for years I watched that happen.

Speaker 2: 13:28

You know, on a kid's face and their body language and you know, did all I could and engaged the kids to do all I could to welcome and make the new child feel comfortable. But it is really difficult for them to open up to new people, even if they're being nice to them. The other thing I think so many times gets forgotten in all this is the child's personality and that particular child. If they're anxious, they're just naturally more socially withdrawn or some social anxiety. You're going to compound all the above in many ways that it's going to be difficult for them to relate to a new situation, new people. So when they go into a new situation, if they are already anxious and have some social anxiety or are a little shy, they're going to have a hard time opening up to new situations, new people.

Speaker 1: 14:33

Yeah, and you know, as adults, as the parent in the situation, your job is to make it as non-traumatic as you can for the kids, and sometimes folks will go different directions with that and some people will think well, you know, now's not the time to impose discipline or to make them be on a schedule. I shouldn't make them do a chore chart right now. So let me just play video games and have like fun food, because they're hurting and they need that. That's not what your kids need Typically. What your kid needs is a lot of time with you or you're just like existing in the same space, but also structure. They need to say structured.

Speaker 1: 15:13

If you've been doing chore charts in the past, continue to do chore charts. If they've been eating healthy food, continue to eat healthy food. You need to keep things as stable and secure for them as possible, and the only thing that you should add is more a one-on-one time where you can just be together with the kids and doesn't even have to be expensive. It doesn't have to be at jump zone or some fancy place.

Speaker 2: 15:37

That's better. If it is not.

Speaker 1: 15:38

Right, just time together, where they realize that all you care about in that moment is them, plus the consistency of the scheduling and the discipline that you've always had, if it was good discipline.

Speaker 2: 15:51

Well, it's really confusing for kids. I mean, think about it If you're suddenly taking them all those lovely places they've not been very often and you are letting them buy junk food and candy and whatever and, like you said, binge on video games or whatever. It's a weird kind of it's almost like wait a minute, we're mourning the loss, but I'm getting rewarded. That gets very confusing to a kid.

Speaker 1: 16:16

Yeah, it is confusing.

Speaker 2: 16:18

And so it's. You know, let's mourn the loss together. I've had a lot of kids tell me that they don't get it when someone has died in the family and they don't see their parents ever cry or they don't ever talk about that person or whatever. Kids want to talk about it. Kids want to bring stuff up, but they learn pretty quickly whether that's a taboo subject with the adult or not, and so they want to be able to. You know, when they bring something up or when they feel sad for the for the parent to go, I bet you really miss such and such, you know, and just just a little tiny, something that says it's okay for you to talk about that, it's okay to get into your feelings about that, you know right, okay, so that is it for today, and it's talking about some of the immediate short term effects of divorce or separation on kids.

Speaker 1: 17:10

Join us next time when we talk about some of the long term effects and some of the negative things that can happen for kids If we don't do a good job of providing for their needs during the divorce or separation process. So hope everyone has a fantastic week. I'm going to look forward to talking to you next time, bye.