#117 - 5 Parenting Types

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hey everyone. In this episode we're going to talk about parenting types and we'll focus on five main types. Some people discuss a greater or fewer number of types, but we've settled on five. These types exist on a spectrum. Starting on one end, we have what are referred to as helicopter parents. These parents hover and try to save their child from any discomfort or consequences. At the other end of the spectrum are uninvolved parents who are very detached emotionally and physically from their child. Starting with helicopter parents, there's a lot of control and not a lot of freedom for the child to grow and learn on their own. From a distance, these parents don't seem to be controlling. They seem to be very sweet and loving.

Speaker 1: 0:47

Helicopter parents are more likely to be mothers, although some fathers are like this as well. This parent has a strong need to be needed to do pretty much everything for the child. They also try to do all of the thinking for the child as well all of the thinking for the child as well. Because of this, there is very little opportunity for the child to experience the benefits of learning from the natural and logical consequences of their actions. This is because the parent typically tries to protect the child from experiencing those consequences. These parents are referred to as helicopter parents, because they swoop in, hover over their kid and pluck them out of any situation that might cause the child any discomfort. So really, all the child learns how to do is look up to the parent for rescue, instead of figuring out how to help themselves. Then, as they get older, those will be the kids who call the parent during the day at school to bring them their lunch that they forgot or an assignment that they left on the table at home, or something like that. Also, because they're used to the parent fixing every possible thing for them, they become very demanding, which reinforces the parent's desire to be needed. This creates a codependent relationship and ultimately weakens the child's self-esteem, because self-esteem comes from accomplishment. Helicopter parents reduce their child's ability to accomplish things on their own, and so they simultaneously reduce their child's self-esteem.

Speaker 1: 2:15

The next parenting type is the authoritarian parent, which is also referred to as a dual sergeant parent. This is all about control. It's all about having the power. More typically, an authoritarian parent will be the father rather than the mother, although there are cases where the father has been very passive and the mother kind of takes over that role and becomes the drill sergeant parent. Sometimes, especially if it's the mother doing it, but sometimes with the fathers too, this type of parenting can wind up being full of criticism, put-downs, disrespect towards the child and just lots of sarcasm. The child then starts to tell themselves I'm inadequate, I can't do anything right, I might as well not even try, because it's not going to be good enough. These are things that children of authoritarian parents say pretty often.

Speaker 1: 3:04

So the authoritarian parent is similar to a helicopter parent, in the sense that they're hovering, they're observing, they're interfering in the child's ability to learn and grow from their own mistakes, but it doesn't have that veneer of sweetness or relate on it. Instead of the parent perceiving themselves as just being you know, maybe the loving, caring parent who's going to do anything for their child, the drill sergeant parent is saying things like kids need to be seen and not heard. Or it's my way, or the highway, this is what you're going to do. They enforce rigid rules, demand obedience without explanation and show very little warmth or affection. Often, though, an authoritarian parent may say something like man, I thought I was doing everything that was best for you. For an example, an authoritarian parent with maybe a slightly overweight child might say something like I thought that if you were gaining weight, that I needed to do something to make you stop eating like that or to make you work out more. But still, they will be super controlling of the child's calorie intake, their exercise and those kinds of things in a very unhelpful way. Another similarity between the helicopter parent and the drill sergeant parent is that they'll both produce children who lack self-esteem because they never learned resilience. They never learned the ability to rely on themselves, to have a chance to think or decide anything for themselves. Then, when that child becomes an adult, often they'll have power and control struggles, anger, resentment. They may even seek revenge against their authoritarian parent. As children they can fantasize about revenge.

Speaker 1: 4:44

You'll sometimes hear a child like this saying things like when I get older, I'll do something about it. I'll make him pay. So, moving away from the helicopter and the authoritarian or drill sergeant parent, we get towards the middle of our spectrum with authoritative parenting, which is also known as the consultant parent. This really is the preferred parenting type that most matches the parenting style described in the book Parenting with Love and Logic, which we'll be discussing in the coming weeks. A consultant parent encourages children to think and learn from their own mistakes within appropriate boundaries. These are mistakes that are not life-threatening, they're not devastating. It's the kind of thing where the child says, hmm, that was not a good idea, don't think I'll do that again. So essentially, you've got reasonable limits being set. The authoritative parent is great because they're establishing expectations for the children that are achievable and the child is learning self-esteem. They're seeing that they can do these things and feeling in their own way like I'm a successful individual at my age. That builds the platform for the further growth.

Speaker 1: 5:53

To say a little bit more about natural and logical consequences, they aren't huge negative game changers for your kid. You're not going to let your child flunk and then have to repeat a grade. You're not going to let them go free solo rock climbing and fall to their death. But you will let them get a zero on an assignment that they forgot to turn in and you'll let them find out that if they pick on someone their own age, they may be embarrassed or left out of some parties. In other words, you've got to be careful about what the consequences are and how far reaching they are, and that means following up with those limits and consequences on a weekly basis, even, let's say, they got a zero this week and suffered the consequences, and so you let them know you're sad for them that they got punished last week and, and, maynard, sure hope they make a better choice this week. But it's still up to them to make that decision.

Speaker 1: 6:44

Farther down the spectrum, moving past authoritative consultant parents, we're getting back into an area that's really not helpful. These are permissive or indulgent parents. These parents try way too hard for their kids to like them. They're trying to be their best friend or their confidant and they construct very few boundaries on them because they're afraid to say no about something. This type of parenting is not as damaging as an authoritarian or uninvolved parent, which we'll get to next, but is not as helpful as an authoritative or consultant parent.

Speaker 1: 7:18

An example of a permissive parent interaction would be the parent of a small child playing with toys at a friend's house who, when it's time to put the toys away and leave, says are we ready to pick up now? Are you ready to go? And then they turn to the other parent and maybe says is it okay if they leave a mess? Because the child of course does not want to go through the effort of picking up the toys, and the permissive parent doesn't want that confrontation. This type of parenting typically creates a child who's extremely attention-seeking and probably lacks good social skills. Because they infrequently hear, know or have to compromise, these parents can enter a very codependent relationship with their children, modeling for them that they're friends rather than parent and child. Not only that, they often introduce the thought that they're best friends and the only friends that either of them will ever need. Research into the effects of permissive parenting is inconclusive, but generally it's negative. These kids experience high parental warmth, which can in some ways build a form of self-esteem and leave room for creativity, but the lack of discipline and lack of boundaries reduces the child's social skills.

Speaker 1: 8:23

On the far end of the spectrum, on the opposite end from helicopter parents, is the uninvolved parent. Parents can be uninvolved emotionally or physically, and for many different reasons. Some parents are uninvolved because they're incarcerated or addicted or, for some other reason, haven't been able to be involved with their child for a number of years. On the other hand, some parents are physically present but emotionally checked out. They may be in the home or have regular visitation, but they're just detached from their child. Maybe they have their own activities and friendships and other things that they do during the weekend. Or maybe they've been completely overwhelmed by their work or divorce or illness. They leave the child with a grandparent or step-parent or anyone else who'll take them. Maybe it's a father who's always playing video games or a mother who's always on her phone. Especially if a parent is dating, they may completely lose track with how much time they're spending texting that person or talking with them on the phone. Technically, they have their child for the weekend. Technically, they may be in the same room with their kid, but they're not really with them at all.

Speaker 1: 9:23

When you ask a child experiencing this type of parenting to draw their family, they may draw something like a really long couch. The child will be at one end and the parent at the other end, on their phone or maybe with a significant other. These parents provide little supervision, little guidance for their children. They don't show much real love or support. Their home has few expectations or boundaries. A child raised by uninvolved parents typically will experience negative outcomes pretty much across the board, including things like learning deficits, attachment issues, anxiety, depression, poor social skills and increased risk of substance abuse, to just name a few.

Speaker 1: 10:01

To wrap up this episode, I want to take you back to the best type of parenting the authoritative or consultant parenting style. This parent sets reasonable boundaries for their children and allows them, lovingly and with empathy, to face the logical consequences of their decisions. They give their children the gift of frequently making small decisions and experiencing small consequences that logically result from poor decisions, so that they can grow in their ability and their self-esteem. If you've recognized yourself in this episode and you aren't an authoritative parent, don't worry. Stick with me through the rest of this series and I'll provide you with lots of information and resources that will help you improve your parenting and give your child the tools that they need to meet their potential. Thanks for listening. I'll see you next time when we discuss the children's developmental stages and their needs at each stage.