#114 - Coparenting Through Illness or Injury

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome everybody. Today I want to take the opportunity to talk with you about illness and injury as co-parents. The reason I thought about it may be obvious from my voice, maybe not. I've went on a trip with my son which was really amazing, hiking, and I hope you visited Vancouver, which is great, and then on the way back we both got COVID somehow. So I'm getting over COVID. And then on the way back, we both got COVID somehow. So I'm getting over COVID and you can probably hear it in my voice, and I definitely am not high energy today, but I wanted to get something out to you guys and I think this was sort of top of mind.

Speaker 1: 0:37

So illnesses and injuries happen with kids. Just do as co-parents. Your goal is to handle the situation as effectively as possible without damaging your co-parenting relationship and without making the illness or injury any worse for your kid. So let's talk about illness first, because injury can have some special additional considerations. So any parenting plan should have provisions that essentially say something like when the child is in one parent's physical custody, then they will have the ability to make decisions that are pretty standard, regular decisions for that child, including, you know, if they have a sore throat, if they have a runny nose, taking care of things like that. If a child develops a fever, the parent who has physical custody should immediately contact the other parent, let them know what's going on. If you're going to be making a doctor's appointment or urgent care appointment, obviously immediately let the other parent know that as well.

Speaker 1: 1:36

Too many times I see parents who let the other parent know after the appointment's over, other parent know after the appointment's over, which is just unacceptable. There's really no reason to wait until after the appointment to let the other parent know. You had to communicate with the provider to set up the appointment. In that time you could have also communicated with the other parent On the way to the provider. You could have communicated. While you're in the waiting room you could have communicated. There are lots of different times prior to the appointment being over at which you could have communicated with your co-parent. So there's really no excuse, and really almost any situation, for the communication to happen after the appointment.

Speaker 1: 2:17

Now, when you're seeing a doctor, you want to do your best to see if you can attend an appointment together, if you can get along, if you can't get along in person together, or even if just your schedules won't allow for both parents to be there, I encourage the parent who is physically taking the child to at least offer to call the co-parent and put them on speakerphone so that they can participate in the appointment. It's really important for both parents to get the information at the same time from the doctor, if possible to ask any questions that they may have, and I think it's helpful for a child of sufficient age to understand that both parents are present in that appointment and are being present in a way that is in their best interest. That is helpful. They're not fighting. They're both showing that they care and that they're there for the child. That's always going to make a child feel better, which they especially need when they don't feel well.

Speaker 1: 3:08

If you're dealing with a joint custody situation, any differences or concerns about medical treatment that may be religion-based or maybe just science-based should have been addressed in a joint custody plan. If, for some reason, there was some sort of intransigent difficulty that could not be fully addressed just in the drug custody plan, then a parenting coordinator should have been appointed, given authority to help deal with those differences that you knew were your co-parent about how things should be done, and you will have the ability to make the decision, but as the sole custodian, it will be your obligation to keep your co-parent fully informed. Still, invite them to all the appointments, let them ask all the questions, get them all the information. The only difference is at the end of the day, you don't have to agree, it's your decision. Now, if you have a circumstance in which there's some protracted care that's needed, it makes sense to start to divvy up those responsibilities. You know, maybe one parent is going to handle the doctor's visits. Maybe one parent is going to handle any sort of therapy that needs to be done. You know, occupational therapy, for example, could be a result of some illnesses. So if there's multiple things that need to be done to address this illness and if you both have the ability to provide some portion of that care, then it's time to start divvying up those responsibilities to make it easier for everybody. You need to be flexible with scheduling.

Speaker 1: 4:38

I mean it just may be the case that your child is more comfortable with one parent than the other or at one parent's home. Don't take it personally, it's not about you. There's no doubt that especially younger children often feel more comfortable with mom. They just want mom when they're sick Doesn't mean they don't love dad. They just want mom. I hear that tons. I'm sure my son felt exactly the same way. So if that's the case and you've got a younger child who just really wants mom when they're sick, then adjust your schedule to give mom that time. That doesn't mean that maybe you're going to get day-for-day repotment of that time, because that would also ultimately maybe not be great for your kid to spend that much additional time away from mom later. If they have that kind of close relationship. It's really time to put your insecurities aside about how your child feels about you. It's time to put your animosity that maybe still exists towards your co-parent aside and really think from your child's perspective. What does my child need right now to make him or her feel better and more secure while they're not feeling well physically? That's the goal. Now.

Speaker 1: 5:43

What does not help is for either parent to make assumptions about how the child got sick. We saw this a lot during COVID, where a child may be in daycare, maybe in a sport, maybe visit a relative. It could have been an endless list of options about where the child could have received COVID, but one parent said oh see, they're a bad parent, they let them get COVID. How in the world do you know? Then, the other thing that we saw too was that parents were getting very aggressive during COVID about saying, no, the child has COVID, they have to stay with me. It wasn't that the kid necessarily didn't preferred that parent. Is that that parent said, no, they have COVID. They tested positive although they were with me. I'm just going to keep them with me. That's not the way that that goes. And same with the flus.

Speaker 1: 6:32

Now you know, if your child gets the flu, it doesn't mean that the other parent doesn't get their parenting time. What it means is the other parent has the opportunity to parent a sick child, to learn what that's like to be there for the child. If you're concerned that the parent doesn't have the experience to care for a sick child, then that doesn't mean that you stop their visitation. It means that maybe you suggest some things that could be helpful for them and hopefully that they receive it. As your child progresses through their illness, it's important to check in with each other, to let each other know hey, how has the hydration been? Has there been a fever, any incidents with bowel movement changes, or has your child been throwing up? Whatever it is. Make sure to check in with each other to keep each other fully up to date about what's been working, what hasn't been working, any sort of improvement or regression in their condition.

Speaker 1: 7:28

What's incredibly important for your child is, while you're working through all of this with your co-parent, to make sure that your child feels that they have two parents who love them and are going to take care of them no matter what. If you have a child who is in the hospital, for example, and because of the quality of your relationship with the co-parent, they get uncomfortable when you're together. They don't quite know what to do. Well then you don't both show up at the hospital at the same time. You show up one at a time so that they have really consistent care, but they don't have to worry about feeling awkward with both of you there. If you have a history of not getting along when the doctor tells you how to care for your child, then you need to follow the doctor's recommendations at both homes. You should have the same medications. You should have the same consistency in care at both homes. Now, how and when do you administer medication? What kind of food are they eating? What kind of rest are they getting. Make sure that you get guidelines from the care provider and then follow them in the same way at both homes to provide your child with some consistency. It's going to make your child feel less confused, more comfortable and more loved by both of you.

Speaker 1: 8:40

Going forward in the future, if you found that this illness came up and kind of surprised you and you didn't quite know how to deal with it and there are things that you wish could have been done better, then it's time to suggest some changes to the custody plan to provide for that kind of situation in the future. If the plan doesn't have this kind of information and if you think it's necessary, specific time periods by which you're going to have the other parent informed, who can take the child to the doctor? Is it just the parents or can their agents take them? Can a step-parent or a grandparent or a cousin take the child to the doctor if necessary? So anything that you felt was a deficiency in how the child was cared for in this situation, you should consider making changes to your custody plan so that those difficulties won't happen in the future, so that if there is another circumstance that arises, then you can be focused not on fighting with your co-parent, but providing really consistent, loving care to your child.

Speaker 1: 9:35

Now let's talk for a minute about when there's an injury. One problem that pops up is that especially the parent who has less than the majority of the time you know, maybe an every other weekend parent or something along those lines will have a child get an injury. That is a very normal injury for any child to get. I mean kids who are active, play. They get scrapes and bruises. They'll break their arm. Things happen when kids are being kids, playing outside.

Speaker 1: 10:02

Something worse than having your child to get injured during your parenting time is to have your child get injured and then not let the other parent know and have that be used against you later. So as soon as the injury occurs immediately, as soon as the child is being triaged, you know whatever needs to happen immediately for the child is done. Then, as soon as you possibly can, you need to call and text the other parent to let them know exactly what has happened, what you've done so far and what your next steps are, so that they can give you feedback. They can join you at the doctor's office, whatever it is To the parent who's the custodial parent. Keep in mind that you're going to enjoy the co-parenting environment that you helped create.

Speaker 1: 10:46

Now, your co-parent may be a piece of work and it's impossible to deal with them, but you may have a co-parent who just is nervous or inexperienced and it's important for you to let them know that they're not going to be stomped on if they contact you if there's been an injury or illness for your kid. If you want to encourage them, if you want to receive immediate communication from your co-parent, you have to create the environment in which your co-parent is incentivized by more than just the court order to do that. You want to make it easy for your co-parent to do for you what you want them to do for you, and being a jerk every time you get any indication that your child has a bruise or a cut is not the way to let your co-parent know that you want communication from them. Now, if an injury has occurred that is, a more severe injury, not just a nick or a cut or a small bruise document what's happened. Take a photograph of it. Let the other parent know this is precisely what occurred. Make sure again, like with the illness, that you're following all the doctor's recommendations, that you're having care that is similar both households, that you're providing a united front to your child.

Speaker 1: 12:01

Now, sometimes, unfortunately, injuries are the cause of negligence or abuse. If an injury was the cause of negligence, that rises to a level where you think the court needs to know about it. It's not just running around in the house and they bumped into something that should have had a softer edge on it. If it was, you know, maybe the child was left outside alone for a period of several hours and got an injury that they wouldn't have had with proper adult supervision. Well then you need to address that. If it's abuse, you need to address that.

Speaker 1: 12:35

In various states there are different levels for when you're required to contact DHS. In Oklahoma, every single person is a mandated reporter. You don't have to be a teacher, a lawyer, a doctor, a police officer Every person in Oklahoma is a mandated reporter. So if you identify something that you think is really beyond the pale negligence or abuse, you need to contact DHS right away. That's your first step. Very often I'll have parents who just throw blame at each other, send wild emails or parenting app messages and then withhold the child but never contacted DHS, never actually filed something with the court.

Speaker 1: 13:20

If you think that there's real negligence or abuse going on, you need to immediately contact your state authority. You need to file whatever the document is in your jurisdiction with the court, to get the issue in front of the court for the protection of your child and to protect yourself as the co-parent from taking unilateral action that is essentially self-help that the court may not agree with. So protect your child, protect yourself, get the state involved, and what you may find out is that you're overreacting, which is okay. I mean, if you did it in good faith, you've learned that lesson. You're not going to overreact again.

Speaker 1: 14:01

If you weren't overreacting, then it may be the case that your co-parent needs access to resources that maybe they didn't realize they needed. Maybe you didn't realize they needed it either. Maybe they could benefit from a parenting class, maybe they've developed a substance issue that you didn't realize and they need help with that. These other tools of the state investigation whether it's DHS or whatever you call it there and the court system into play, helps bring resources into play that can identify and address issues that will prevent future injuries or abuse.

Speaker 1: 14:37

So bottom line for most situations, when it's not abuse, when it's not really really bad neglect, you're just dealing with life. Kids get sick, kids get injured it's just what happens. You don't need to add insult to injury by showing your child that while they're sick or injured, that you actually can't get along well enough with your co-parent to put them first If your child gets sick or injured. It's a great opportunity to build your co-parenting relationship with your co-parent by both working together in good faith to make things more efficient, to make things easier on your child. Okay, everybody, I hope you all have a fantastic week. We'll see you next time.